New blog, last night, and fighting for trans rights.

Today, I was made aware of a wonderful new blog called "Keeping It Pink". The blog is written by someone on the trans spectrum and is all about how great it is to be trans. Winter, the writer, talks about how there are lots of negative blogs out there about how hard it is sometimes to be trans, I would say mine is one of them, and thats needed and understandable, because sometimes being trans just sucks and is hard, but being trans is also wonderful a lot of times and we have fun and good lives too. The blog is absolutely wonderful, here is a link to the blog for those of you that would like to read it: http://keepingitpink.blogspot.com/ I agree with Winter. There is something that is pretty fucking amazing about being trans. We have such an unique perspective on the world in terms of gender. We notice things, think about things, talk about things that cisgender people just don't talk about and just don't do. Also, as Winter points out, being cisgender seems pretty boring to me at times.

Overall I do enjoy being a transwoman. I think there are things that extremely empowering about being trans. For starters, for those of us who transition, we get to choose our own names. Seriously, how fucking awesome is it to be able to name yourself? Granted, lots of us go by what our parents would have named us had we been assigned correctly the first time, I did, but not all of us do. In the end it is our choice and there is something amazing about that. Since a lot of us know what it is like to be perceived, and even live, as the opposite gender, in our crap binary system, we are able to view sexism, the binary and other things in a totally different light than most, that is pretty fucking cool in my opinion at least. Lastly, I think most of us agree that our lives as transwomen, transmen, genderqueer, genderfluid, and everyone else on the trans spectrum, would agree that our lives are better as trans than they were when pretending to be something we weren't.

Sometimes, like a lot of us do, I wish I was a ciswoman, but I'll take being a transwoman over living as a cismale any day of the week! I hated being seen as cismale it wasn't me. At my core I am female there is just no getting around that. If that means that people hate me for me than so be it. I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. So my trans sisters and brothers and everyone else in between be proud. Love being trans, because really it is a beautiful being trans and I wouldn't change it for the world.

Now you might be asking "Madwomyn? What has changed in your life that makes you feel this way?" I'll tell you, its because I finally feel like I have a sense of community. Last night I went out to a transwoman's meeting in my home town and it was so wonderful! The meeting started at 6:30 and ended at like 11, 5 hours of transwomen, 6 of us in total, just talking about things. Sometimes the conversation were random and not about trans issues per se, but was just everyday conversation that friends have. It was nice to not feel like I was the only one in the room going through the bullshit that trans people have to put up with on a daily bases and not have to explain the basics about being trans. It was a night where I didn't feel so alone like I do when I go to most places. A sense of community is something I have been searching for a long time and I am finally starting to feel like I have it.

Meeting more transwomen and really connecting with them was just awesome. Don't get me wrong, I love my cis friends to death, but its nice to go some place where I don't have to explain things and don't have to educate. I felt like a person for the first time in a long time, oh how I have missed that feeling. Just awesome. I got the number of one them so we could stay in contact outside of the meeting. Slowly, but surely, I am making a community for myself and that is awesome and exciting and just amazing. I am very happy right now.

Now, I am going to end on a decision that I have made in light of recent events. So, as I have talked about before on this blog, it upsets me greatly that trans rights are often shoved aside in favor of fighting for LGB rights and recently this happened yet again. Saturday DADT, Don't Ask Don't Tell, was repealed which I am very happy for, but I am rather upset with how my supposed LGB allies seemed to give up on fighting for trans rights too.

All summer every LGB group was saying how we have to pass a Trans-Inclusive ENDA NOW and then when the going got tough, in part because of the elections, they just seemed to give up on it in favor of repealing DADT something that would only affect cisgender LGB, really LG, people without putting any pressure to make it so that trans people can also serve openly in the army. Trans people are once again left behind and I am told "Now, on to trans rights!" well quite frankly, I am sick of it!I am tired of being left behind and expected to fight for LGB rights when they don't do the same for me. Tired of getting treated like a "lesser" woman by my LGB "allies" because I am trans.

This relationship has got to end the way it is, because honestly I am sick of it and so are lots of other trans people. I have come to the conclusion that I need to stop fighting for people who continually do this. I'm talking about groups and people like the HRC, Barney the fuck head Frank, and people who fought so hard to repeal DADT at the expense of passing a Trans-Inclusive ENDA, because it was "easier" to do. Getting equality for LGB people at the expense of their trans sisters and brothers and everyone else, is progress of a few while stepping on others. If that is progressing, I'll pass thanks. Once again Trans people get the shaft when the going gets tough. Well, I'm done. I am going to fight for transgender rights and not for a LGB community that doesn't want to fight for me. I am more than willing to fight along side people and groups in the LGB community that are pissed about it too and want to fight for trans rights, but the rest wont get my support anymore.

Sorry, to end on a downer, but this has been something that has been on my mind for awhile and I wanted to get it out. The picture below shows how I feel about this in a nutshell.



Bye for now!

I am not yours to claim.

http://www.questioningtransphobia.com/?p=3310
http://takingsteps.blogspot.com/2006/09/on-cartography-and-dissection.html

(Two blogs that inspired me to write this. Also some of the same ideas come from there.)

Cis people make the rules.

Cis people decide what definitions we use to call ourselves. Take for example the metaphor of someone being "trapped in the wrong body" that metaphor was used in order for us to explain to our cis brothers and sisters in a way that THEY would understand. I'm equally guilty of using this when I first came out to my dad and my friends. The problem is that that metaphor makes it seem like there is something fundamentally wrong with our bodies and/or that it is someone else's completely. While it maybe true that for a lot of transwomyn and transmen that their bodies don't fit who they, that does not mean that they are "wrong" in anyway. We change them in order to feel more comfortable with who we are, we are not FIXING them, changing them yes, but that isn't the same thing as fixing them. The definitions that cis society puts on our bodies are wrong.

Cisgender individuals decide from the very beginning who we are in terms of gender. We come out of the womb and the doctors declare "Its a boy" or "Its a girl" depending on what we have between our legs. From then on we are expected to act like what cis society has determined for us. For a young girl who is trans (ie a transwoman) she is given to the boys and they are told "do with her what you will/make a MAN out of this/do what you have to do, its only natural if she screams." Any cis girl put in that situation people would freak out and want to throw the bastard in prison, but when the child is trans, that is what is to be expected and even the right thing to do.

Trans people have no agency to combat this. A lot of the time that little girl has no support, even from family, and so she faces these horrors alone with no one to help her. Even if the girl is lucky enough to have supportive parents and families, she still faces a world that may not respect that. A school refuses her access to the girls bathroom, because the cisgirls freak out and they never take into consideration that if that little girl walks into the boys bathroom dressed as she wants to be that she risks getting harassed and even beaten up by the boys in there. Our voices are never taken into consideration about anything.

We are the monsters of society and like any good monster, we aren't the main point of the story, but just a plot point. We are the thing that a "real" person, i.e. a cisgender person, discovers like and an explorer "discovering" some new country. Well, I've go news for ya, I was already here. I am not yours to discover and I am not yours to claim. You have no right to treat me as if I am some knew found discovery because I am not. I was already here damnit! And this is my life, my world, my reality and you have no right to make claims on it!

We are the monsters that stand between the heroes and heroines and glory. No one ever thinks to stop and ask the monster in stories how they were feeling or why they are doing the things that they do, to do so would be taboo. Maybe the monster would was put into a situation in society where they had to do what they did to survive, but no, no one cares about that. Maybe the monster was that way because society treated them so badly that they felt like they had no other choice. Or maybe, just maybe, that supposed monster wasn't actually a monster, but just a misunderstood being who happened to be different. No one stops to ask that question, its only afterwards that that people realize that.

Feminists have often said in defense of Roe V Wade that the government should keep their laws off their bodies. In that same light I think its time for cisgender people keep their labels, their claims, their ideas, OFF our bodies. We are not yours to claim and how about instead of labeling us you have a discussion with us about who we are and how we identify? Take all your cisnormative/ciscentric assumptions and throw them out the window, because you know what? I'm not the one who is wrong your assumptions and labels are.

Until this happens, I will be the thing that goes bump in the night for a lot of people. I will be the angry transwoman who is often called a bitch. I will wear that label with fucking pride because I am not the one in the wrong here. Cause when society backs you into a corner, you have two options either crumble and let society beat you or come out fighting and right now to quote Julia Serano "I'm just desperate enough to come out fighting!"

Body Dysphoria

Bodies suck. I hate them so much. Lately I have had some issues with a certain part of my body, 3 guess (first two don't count) as to which part I am talking about. I have been more acutely aware of it for the last few days. Its like it is taunting me. Laughing at me because there is nothing I can do to get rid of it yet. I can't just remove it myself, because, ironically enough, I need it in order to have the surgery and I don't have the money in order to get the surgery. I don't know what is wrong with me lately. I haven't had a serious moment where I have panicked about it, but it has gotten worse.

Its hard living day in day out with something that you feel isn't yours and shouldn't be on you. Makes sexual things almost impossible, because at any moment you know you will probably have a freak out because of it. And no, it really doesn't matter if the person I am having sex with sees me as 100% woman. The freak out moments aren't their fault. There no ones fault really, just one of the many bullshit things that I, and my trans sisters and brothers, who go through transition, have to put up with. I wish it would just go away. I hate it so much.

It something that makes me want to vomit. When it gets hard I start to feel sick and invaded/violated. Lately its been hard to even use it for the one thing it is good for and that is peeing. It means I have to touch it and acknowledge its exists on me. Its the one thing on my body that makes me feel trapped and feel like this body doesn't belong to me. I haven't felt like a person for a very very long time. Lately it has been because of it and people really don't understand why.

People have told me all the time, all cis people, that I need to get over it. They say that they have stuff about their bodies that they hate and that they don't let it control lives. What they don't get is that those body issues don't define them in terms of gender. If you are not as skinny as you would like to be, you are still a womyn according to society. You are maybe a bigger womyn, but you are still a womyn. Whatever other thing about your body that you hate, as a cis person, doesn't change your gender in the eyes of society.

However, somebody sees that I have a dick, all of sudden my gender changes in their eyes. I am no longer a womyn if I passed to them before and the begin to notice all my "male" qualities, its as if all my female body traits, like having breasts for instance, go away and are ignored.. Also, I am not letting it control my life. If I was letting it control my life I wouldn't leave my apartment. I would huddled in the corner crying all day. I step out into the world and try to live as normally as possible without being to sad. Maybe it doesn't work, but I fucking try. I face the world, go to all my classes, and general function.

People have also told me that they can tell it bothers me. They say that it is like some invisible thing hanging over me and that I am always thinking about. Most of the time this is not true I am not always thinking about it. However, it does hang over me daily. It hangs over me as a constant reminder that I have to always be on my guard. That at any moment, even if I pass around people, my identity as a womyn can be challenged and even belittled if I am unlucky enough to meet someone who is an asshole. All it takes is for one person to "realize" that I have a dick and all of sudden people start looking at me funny and calling me sir.

People say call them out on it and assert yourself. Assert the fact that I am female. Its not as easy as it sounds, cause when people misgender me or challenge my identity as a womyn, its against a back drop of people doing that all my life and all these memories of people doing that come flooding back. All the memories of how I felt like I was the only one in the world growing up and felt that no one would understand me, come back and in that moment, I loose whatever chance I would have had to assert myself, cause no matter how many times it happens it hurts just the same as the first time some called me he instead of she. Also, in certain situations like going to the bathroom for example, I really don't want to educate people and, shocking I know, I SHOULDN'T have to educate every asshole I meet that does this shit to me.

I fucking hate being trans right now. *sigh*

The Question of Male Privilege and Transwomyn

I would like to start this blog by saying that I enjoy and support most of the things that Emi Koyama discusses and says in The Transfeminist Manifesto. I agree with her that it is extremely important for transwomyn to take a place in feminism and that all to often we are denied access. I agree with her that everyone has a right to be who they are and that we shouldn't have a “purity test” in order to actually be feminists. That being said, I do have an issue with how she talks about the idea of male privilege and how that works for transwomyn, the rest of this blog will be about that issue in the manifesto.

On page 247 into 248, she writes “They have been trained to be assertive and confident. and some trans women manage to maintain these "masculine" traits, often to their advantage, after transitioning" this passage seems to suggest that “some” transwomyn never fully shake off their “male socialization” and thus never shake off their male privilege. Now, I am not going to make the argument that transwomyn never have male privilege because of course we do. I lived my life 16 years “passing” as male and thus have experienced male privilege. That being said, this statement is problematic because it suggests that transwomyn we will always have some sort of male privilege and thus, in some small way, always be male. Also, it fails to take into account the fact that once we, tranwomyn, do transition and live our lives fully as womyn those “masculine” traits like aggressiveness, assertiveness and confidence are seen very differently in the eyes of society. Finally, that statement suggests that those traits are only for men and that women can't be assertive.

Transwomyn who are assertive and confident are often seen by society as being bitches just as cisgender womyn who are assertive and confident are seen as bitches. The fact that we were “socialized” to be that way is irrelevant because they are seen very differently in the eyes of society if we do it as male or if we don't it as female and its not just cis people enforcing these rules. Transwomyn every often attack other transwomyn if they are being assertive or confident because it isn't the way women are “suppose” to be. Also, that our socialization is key to whether or not we have male privilege is nonsense in my opinion.

Despite the fact that we, transwoym, are treated as male in society before we transition, most of us feel like we are female very early. Thus, we see all the things society says about how to be a women and how women are suppose to be, and internalize it just like ciswomyn. Also, we are very often forced into being that way as we start transitioning. We take a lot of the images that society uses about what it means to female and do them because we live in a society where we have to constantly prove that we are female. Further, a lot of transwomyn who aren't out or can't transition get eating disorders in order to make our bodies more feminine, just as cisgender girls do. The point is we absorb what our society and culture says about what is meant to be a girls and women just like cisgirls who are socialization female. Transwomyn are often caught in a “damn if you do or damn if you don't” situation with regards to how feminine we are.

On the one hand, if we follow what society says womyn look and act like, we are seen as “trying to hard” and thus are really men just trying to be womyn. On the other hand, if we don't follow what society and culture says about being womyn or dress/look or act more masculine we are seen as not trying hard enough and are thus men. This plays back into Koyama's implication that transwomyn will never fully get rid of male privilege, because it seems no matter what we do in our society to prove we are womyn or against the gender binary we are seen as male. For Koyama to imply that we will always have male privilege, only helps further this idea and make it seem like it is ok for feminists to question whether or not tranwomyn have male privilege.

The section on male privilege in Koyama is problematic because it implies that tranwomyn will never be free of male privilege and thus aren't really womyn. I will admit freely to having male privilege for the first 16 years of my life. However, since I have been living as a womyn for the last 4 years, I have given up any male privilege. I am treated very differently when I am assertive now than when I was living as a male. My socialization at this point is totally irrelevant because of the way attitudes change about me doing certain acts. My supposedly “masculine” trait of being assertive is no longer an asset to most people in society, but rather something that both men and women a like think I should stop because it isn't the way women are suppose to be.

Transgender people and Sports

One of my good friends gave me a link to an article that talks about the issue of transgender people and sports, specifically male to females and female to males. The article focused on how the NCAA will make it more fair for trans athletes or potential athletes to join teams in colleges. I'm not going to post the whole article, but there will be a link at the end to the entire thing. This article made me happy and extremely annoyed all at the same time. I'm going to pick out what I feel are the biggest problems with how they are approaching things.

"For those undergoing hormone treatments, the report recommends that a male-to-female transgender athlete should be able to participate on men's teams, but should complete one year of hormone treatments before competing on a women's team. The report recommends that a female-to-male transgender athlete, who is taking prescribed testosterone, should be allowed to compete on men's teams, but must seek an exemption to NCAA rules barring the use of testosterone.

For those not undergoing hormone treatments, the report recommends that transgender students should all have the option of competing on the teams consistent with birth gender, that female-to-male students be allowed to participate on either the men's or women's team, but that male-to-female transgender students not be permitted to compete on women's teams.

The report notes the concerns some have expressed about male-to-female athletes having an unfair advantage because of their pre-transition bodies."

First of all the overall theme here is that cisfemales are ALWAYS going to be weaker than males, therefore it doesn't matter if a transman plays on the mens team. However, if a transwomyn wanted to play on the womyns team, it is an unfair advantage for that team. First off all this is essentialism at its worse! Pretty much says all womyn are weaker than all men and doesn't take into account the many variations that happen naturally. I promise you that there are cisgirls out there WAY stronger than cismales, but not according to the NCAA. If I were a cisfemale who played sports I would be rather insulted that they think that I am automatically weaker than my male counter parts.

Secondly, why should transmen have to get permission to use testosterone? Why can't the NCAA just give them permission? Cut out the middle man so to speak. There is absolutely no reason why they should have to seek out special permission. This only serves to make the process more complicated. The NCAA should just make it a rule that transmen are allowed to use testosterone.

Lastly, why is it such a big deal for a transwomyn, who hasn't started transitioning, to be on the womens team? If EVERY college is allowed to do it, is there really an "unfair" advantage for one team or the other? If this means that teams actively recruit transwomyn all the better, because that means that they are actively being trans-inclusive as a opposed to only being so in theory. Also this whole taking hormones for a year thing is ridiculous because hormones effect everyone differently. Some people get "weaker" after like a month others don't get that much "weaker" at all. There is no cookie cutter, one size fits all option! There is no reason for this rule other than to keep the status quo in place. Now lets look at who exactly came up with this report.

"The report was written by Pat Griffin, former director of the It Takes A Team! Education Campaign for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Issues in Sport and professor emeritus of social justice education at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst; and Helen J. Carroll, director of the National Center for Lesbian Rights’ Sports Project. The report was co-sponsored by the National Center for Lesbian Rights, the Women's Sports Foundation and It Takes a Team! The sponsoring organizations held a meeting last year to gather experts -- including NCAA representatives -- to discuss these issues."

Anyone else notice that there ISN'T a specific organization that deals exclusively with transgender issues? Not a one! In other words it was a bunch of cisgender people who came together and decided what would be best. So much bullshit! Transgender voices weren't heard in this situation at all and since we are dealing with something that directly affects us, we should have voice in the debate. This is a lot like men sitting around and deciding what is best for women without any input from women. No wonder there are these problems since it is all people who don't fully understand transgender issues. I'm not saying it should only be trans people, but it shouldn't be all cisgender people either. The final thing I want to talk about is towards the end.

"Further, the issue can be important for the way teams are classified. A female on a male team does not change the designation of the team, but a male on a female team classifies the team as "mixed," making it ineligible for NCAA women's championships. Any classification of a team as "mixed" lasts for the rest of the academic year."

How exactly are they defining male? My definition of male is anyone who identifies as a man regardless of there sex assigned at birth. Going based on what other parts of the article have said, I don't think they are defining male in that way. They are probably defining it in terms of what someone has between their legs. So basically even if I were allowed to be on the women's team, since I have been on the hormones for almost 5 years now, it would probably qualify as a "mixed" team simply because I have dick. Gee, thanks so much for invalidating my gender you fuckers!

Despite everything mentioned above I am grateful the NCAA are at least attempting to take this on. Even if they do FAIL for the most part. If you want to read the whole article click the link below.

http://www.insidehighered.com/news/2010/10/05/trans

CISFAIL!!!

Yesterday, I got misgendered in my French class. Since the French language genders most things, stupidly in my opinion, this sucked even more than it would otherwise. This got me thinking about all the other transgender people who have gotten misgendered, particularly Brendon Teena. For those that don't know the story of Brendon Teena I'll give you a summary of what happened to him.

In December of 1993 Brendon Teena was rapped and murdered by his supposed friends once they found out that he had a vagina. At the time he was dating a girl and was living as a man in the community. IMPORTANT TO NOTE: BRANDON TEENA WAS/IS A MAN!!! You wouldn't know that from what the police reports/documentaries/movie made about the story say.

I just did a random search on Google and found that the grand majority of the articles about it use female pronouns when referring to him and call him a lesbian. They do this based SOLELY on the fact that he has a vagina and was not on hormones and didn't have any surgery. I also know for a fact that lots of lesbians try to take HIM back as one of their own. This is absolute BULLSHIT!

Brendon Teena was, is and always will be a MAN! He is not, nor has he ever been a lesbian! He was never yours to take! Leave him the fuck alone, he is ours! This is not to say that he was straight either. He could have been bisexual, pansexual, omnisexual, etc, etc but one thing he would NEVER ever be is a lesbian! The lesbians who try to take him "back" need to stop! He was never yours to take, move a long nothing to see here folks! STOP trying to rewrite our history and make it seem like OUR people, ie trans folks, belong to you when it is simply not the case. The media in general fucks this shit up all the time!

Another infamous murder case that the bullshit media has talked about has a transwomyn at the center of it. The story is about a cisman in the army who is dating a transwomyn, who, just to get rid of this argument right away, had gone through everything that most states require to be a "legal" womyn. The cisman was killed by his supposed "buddies" after they found that his girlfriend *gasp* use to have a penis. This story was also made into a film called Soldiers Girl. Once again when the media tells this story they fuck it up!

The documentary I saw kept calling the man, who was dating the transwomyn, Calpernia Addams, a gay man. Lets get something clear here, Calpernia IS a womyn! He was in a relationship with a womyn! Therefore it was a HETEROSEXUAL relationship! He may have been bi, pan, omni, etc, etc but he is NOT a gay man! To give the gay male community credit they have not tried to take him "back" in this instance(lesbian community take fucking note!). Shockingly enough, the documentary didn't referrer to Calperina as a man. Not only is this a GIANT FUCKING contradiction of them calling the solider gay, it is also very invalidating to the transwomyn. You may as well put the word womyn in quotes the entire time, because obviously you have no fucking respect for her, who she is or how she identifies.

I really need to make a big fucking stick that has CISFAIL on it in big black letters, so I can hit fucking morons like those talked about above. Maybe then people will pull their heads out of their asses. Seriously, people STOP IT or I will strike you with my CISFAIL STICK!

A tale of two Births

A tale of two births

This is going to sound really really strange, but I have been born twice. There was the birth where I came kicking and screaming out of my mother and the doctor proclaimed “ITS A BOY!” Oh how wrong he would turn out to be, and then there was the birth of the woman I am today. Both are very important for pretty obvious reasons which is why I am going to talk about both instead of just focusing on one or the other. The latter birth is a lot more interesting and exciting than the former, but the former is still worth talking about a little. So, hold tight kids and enjoy the ride.

I don't know much of the birth where I came kicking and screaming out of my mother's womb. I know that it was in a hospital in Madison and that my father was the first person to hold me and he also named me in that moment. Ever since my father told me that, a few years ago, I have thought that it makes sense that he and I have had such a close relationship being that he was the first person I ever saw. I don't remember that obviously, but it makes sense that we would be close because of it. I also know that originally my mom and dad thought I was going to be a girl. Years later when I would be told I would think, “tell me something I don't know.” It was only in the last few months of the pregnancy that they found out I was boy. Otherwise, I don't know much about that birth. My dad doesn't remember how long my mom was in labor, and since my mom and I aren't on speaking terms I can't ask her. My birth to the woman I am today is much more interesting.

Unlike the birth where I came kicking and screaming from my mother, the second birth didn't really involve any physical pain for me or anyone else. There was a lot of emotional pain suffered on my part, since I had been struggling with this feeling for 16 years, and my family, some of whom felt like they were suffering the loss of child, but there was no physical pain to speak of. It is hard to say when my second birth took place. The day I started the hormones could be one option. The day I met the person who changed my life could be another option. However, for the sake of time I am going to say that the birth took place the day I got prescribed the hormones.

January, 19th 2006, 16 days after my 17th birthday, I was prescribed the hormones. That week was also finals week of my first semester of my Junior year in high school. I skipped a final in order to go see my doctor to get prescribed the hormones. I was very excited that day. I had no idea what I would have to do in order to get them, but I knew I would do almost anything to get them. As I was waiting for the nurse to call me and my dad in I thought “Its almost over. All the pain and confusion I have felt all my life is going to lessen.”

All the bullshit therapy I had to go through, the constant wondering and yearning for this day, the constant feeling of depression I had felt all my life because of this issue, it was all almost over. I knew full well that the hormones wouldn't solve everything, but I knew it would be a giant step in the right direction in figuring who I was as a person. The nurse called us fairly quickly after we got there. She took my weight, blood pressure and all the other usual things they ask before they send the doctor in. She left and shortly after the doctor came in. He sat down and explain what dose he was going to prescribe me, told me about the possible side affects (I couldn't care less), and then handed me a form my dad and I, because I was only 17, had to sign that just explained everything he told me and then wrote the scripts.

I was grinning from ear to ear all day long. Told all my close friends, who knew I was trans, and they were so happy for me. After I was done with school I waited with anticipation for my dad to come home with the hormones. He got home at about 6 or so and I was at the door to meet him. I took the pill bottles inside my hand and just held them for a little while. I could feel the pain and confusion that I had all those years melt away. At around 10 just before I went to bed, I took them for the first time. I could feel the calming effect of them almost instantly. I slept like a baby that night, knowing that tomorrow would look a little bit brighter and that my life was on the right track.

Why shouldn't I express my anger?

Ever since I have started being a transgender activist I have faced the same old bullshit. I have been told my issues weren't important enough to focus on at my campus. Told that because there were so few out trans people on campus that there is no need to do anything to make my campus better for trans people. Told that change takes time and that "our", transgender people's, time will come soon enough. Told that I need to do this pretty much on my own if I expect any change to happen. Told that my experience coming out in high school isn't important, because the playwright wasn't "inspired" to write a trans character, and yet somehow the guy was "inspired" to write about the L, the G, and the B despite the fact that there isn't a chance in hell that he was all of them or fully understood their pain.

And yet I have also been told that I need to be calm. I need to be "reasonable". I need to be rational and logical and understanding that people don't get the whole trans thing. Told that I shouldn't express my anger and even that I SHOULDN'T be angry at all when shit like the stuff above happens. That is my job to be the understanding person, who educates and who is calm, cool and collected. That somehow I have a duty to show compassion when cis people fucking fail instead of calling their asses out on it and telling them whats what. Yet when a cis straight person is fucks up with LGB side of things the LGB are allowed to get angry and call them on it, but we trans people aren't. We aren't allowed to be angry. Why is that?

Why the fuck shouldn't we be angry? Why the fuck shouldn't we rage and call stupid cis fucks on their shit? Trans people have every right to be angry. We get fucked over not just by straight society, but by the very community we supposedly belong to. If we are lesbians as well as trans most cisgender lesbians don't want anything to do with us unless we have had the surgery. They define us purely on the fact that we have dicks when it comes to dating. The can say all they fucking want about how they really see us as womyn, but when it comes to dating they wont touch us and feel the need to clarify on their profiles that they are NOT transgender, as if it is some sor to of disease. Trans people are marginalized, misgendered, and told that our issues don't matter every fucking day and we are expected to just sit there and wait patiently for our "turn" and be nice, understanding and above all happy while we are waiting. FUCK THAT!

I am sick of being reasonable and being treated like a second class citizen in the supposed LGB"T" community. Sick of being told that I should hold my anger in when I am so mad I feel like I could punch a hole through a wall. I'm pissed off and sick of people telling me to be calm. I'm pissed off and sick of being told that I need to be patient and work with people who don't seem to give a fucking damn about anything I have to saying. I'm pissed off and I am sick of working with a system that doesn't want to work with me and goes in with the assumption that I am just there to "bitch" and don't have any ideas of what to do or a plan. I'm pissed off and sick of holding my anger in. Sick of pretending that I am not angry with how I am being treated. Well it ends to night. I'm a royally pissed off and dammit I am going to express my anger!!!!

Last Day of Summer

Today is my last day before school starts again. I am back at school now in the exact same dorm and room that I was in last year, only this time by myself. I have very mixed feelings about summer coming to an end. On the one hand overall it was boring and a disappointment.

Tried to get a job and failed miserably. Stuck dealing with my rampant conservative father and my idiot step-brother. Didn't get to spend nearly as much time with my friends because I had no way to get there. Sleep didn't really happen for a reason I haven't quite put my finger on and I didn't really have anything to say and thus I didn't blog. On the other hand there where some exciting things that went on.

My activism didn't completely go by the way side. I went to Socialism 2010 in Chicago which was amazing. Got involved with the ISO in my state. Protested the National Organization for Marriage (NOM) when the came to my state and we out numbered them by a ton! Shouting things like "YOU NEED A HUG A BIG GAY HUG!" and other awesome chants. Made some pretty awesome new friends from the ISO and got to know more the friends I already had. Then there was the last 9 days that I got to spend with this girl that I really like and who likes me back. 9 days wasn't enough and ended way to soon, but they were still the biggest highlight of my summer. Originally we were only going to spend 3 days, the weekend she moved here, with each other. She took me home that Monday after those 3 days and we were talking online after and decided 3 days WASN'T enough and 4 hours later I was with her again. I am so happy we did, I wouldn't change those 9 days for anything.

Those 9 days made me want summer to go for another month or two, but now its time to get back to school and my life outside of her. Once classes start tomorrow and I start having things to do things will get easier. I am really excited for my classes and all the clubs I am still involved with this year. Happy to see my lovely family here at school again. The new semester looks to be a very good one. Despite the boredom, lack of job and dealing with my family I will look back on this summer very fondly and with happy thoughts, but now its time for me to get back to the world again and continue to move my life forward.

"It is what it is" it doesn't have to be!

Wow, its been a very long time since I have blogged anything! Summer sucks, I fucking hate it! I don't feel like anything happens in my life that is worth talking about. Job hunt was a failure, I have given up. No point looking for a job when I am leaving in less than a month. Had to ask my Grandma for money to pay my cellphone bill. On the plus side its almost August and on the 20th the girl from Ohio is moving here and she and I have plans to spend at least a few days together before I go back to school. I am SUPER excited about it =). I was also on a radio show to talk about a upcoming counter protest against the National Organization for Marriage (NOM) and I got invited back to talk about ENDA and how it fails at being trans inclusive. Not sure when that will happen, but I'll keep you posted. I'm not going to talk about that in this post, I have talked about that a lot already on my blog and I want to stay away from politics for this post. I'm not sure really what I want to talk about in this post, so I'm just going to write and see what happens.

I wonder about a lot of strange things that probably aren't worth wondering about. I wonder about why I ended up being trans. If there is such a thing as a past life what did I do that caused me to be trans in this one? Is there are reason for anyway or does it just happen? I wonder if there is a parallel universe out there what the parallel me is like. Are the he, she, gender-fluid, gender queer, or something much more exotic? Are the tea party conservative (I very much hope not!), socialist, anarchist or something completely different? I will admit that the latter is probably because I have been watching WAY to much science fiction lately (on the 2nd season of the 5th Doctor) and I can't really explain why I wonder about the former. It doesn't really matter why I am trans. There is something extremely special and amazing about being trans and queer womyn in our society.

I hate the phrase "it is what it is" as away to explain things, because I am always questioning why it is what is. What lead things to be this way. Why can't we change the way it is? "It is what it is" seems so permanent, like it is that way so it will always be that way. I often hear that phrase after my dad or my step mom say something racist, homophobic, transphobic, or some other ignorant comment and it drives me nuts. "It is what it is" seems to be a way out for people not what to fight for change because after all the world is what the world is and there is no point fighting all the injustice, right? I don't think anything is permanent. I think peoples thoughts, beliefs, feelings, issues, etc, etc can always change as long as they are open to those things.That is not to say that people need to change everything about themselves or what they believe, but everything can change if we want it to.

"It is what it is" to me is a way of giving up and just choosing to accept what the world gives us. Accept the fact that people suck as oppose to trying to be the kind of person that you want in the world and to serve as an example. Accepting the fact that laws are unjust and that is just the way it is. "It is what it is" doesn't have to be true, we just have to fight for that change and make "it is what it is" not be so anymore.

Personal issue 2

WARNING!!!!!!!!!!! THIS POST CONTAINS VERY PERSONAL INFO ABOUT THE WRITER AND JUST LIKE THE LAST POST WITH THIS WARNING IF YOU DON'T WANT TO GET MORE INTIMATE INFORMATION ABOUT THE WRITER YOU SHOULD NOT READ AND GENERALLY SPEAKING THIS POST SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE! ALSO ONCE AGAIN I AM IN NO WAY KIDDING! KEEP OUT OF THE REACH OF CHILDREN!!! CONSIDER YOURSELVES WARNED ..............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

For those people brave enough to stay and read this for whatever reason, perhaps the warning is too tempting, prepare for me to talk about ballbusting and why I like it, you were warned. Now the term should be pretty self explanatory, but for the sake of detail I will explain. Ballbusting is common in the BDSM community, it is typically between a female Dom and male sub and could be a variety of things. Such as kicks, punches, slaps, biting, squeezing, and anything else that involves being hit in the balls. I have watched videos, yes this means that I have watch porn before *GASP*, and it really turns me on.

The thought of a sexy, beautiful womyn hitting me where it hurts with anything, but kicking me there with high heels is the biggest turn on, you were warned people, just really turns me on! Now this is a big deal because this involves something happening to me below the belt in a sexual context, something that I wouldn't dream about doing since I tend to hate what I have down there. This is really one of the only ways that I am comfortable with being touched there. I am not at all comfortable with someone going down on me, that is way to much of a male thing to have happen. Other touching maybe possible though. I am slightly conflicted about the whole issue.

Seems almost wrong that I should get turned on by this. The act itself seems very male orientated and that feels very strange and weird too me. Weird is a good thing in my book most of the time, but this is hard. I'm trying to use it as a way to get more comfortable with the fact that I am stuck with it and that I may as well get as much pleasure out of it as I can, but its still hard. I justify being turn on by this by thinking that I am hurting my balls and that makes me feel better, because I really don't like them. Also I like pain, so it turns on my masochistic side. That helps to a point, but I still very weird about it.

Accepting a, traditionally, male aspect of my sexuality is hard. Maybe the male part of who I am is in large part sexual. Makes sense given that the part of me that is capable of getting sexual aroused is male, but that is going by what most of society says and I'm not sure I am OK with going by what society thinks. I'm stuck between feeling like this might be the place where my male side fits and not wanting that to be true, because that is they way society would view it. Maybe society for once is right. It feels right to say that that is where my male side fits in it plays a part in my sexuality. How can it not be?

I'm not sure what it means, but I'm tired of trying to figure it out and I am just going to try to enjoy this new found aspect of my sexuality.

Thats all for now.

Bye.

Socialism 2010

Hello kiddies! Sorry it has been such a long time since I have written anything. My life is boring in the summer. My activism goes way down and I just don't have much to talk about. However, now I do have a bunch to talk about because of last weekend and plus some other recent developments in my life. I am going to split them up into two posts because they are two entirely different topics and doesn't seem right that I should talk about them both in just one post. For this one I am going to talk about the Socialism 2010 conference that I went to this weekend.

Socialism 2010 is a big left wing conference that takes place every year in Chicago (at least I'm pretty sure that is where it has always been). The International Socialist Organization (ISO) puts on this conference to bring together fellow left wing people to talk about a number of things all centering around the over throw of the capitalist system that is holding everyone back. I wasn't sure I really wanted to go at first, but I am so glad I did!

Money was a big reason why I didn't really want to go. Just signing up for the conference was $90, money that I did not have, and that doesn't even include the hotel room and gas. Luckily the ISO always does fundraising and two of my good friends in the ISO informed me that I didn't really have to worry about the money, that the fundraising would cover me. I felt like a giant mooch most of the weekend, but people kept telling me not to worry about it because that was what the fundraising was for. Another big reason for me being a tad hesitant was that I wasn't sure the ISO and their politics was for me.

I, like most of the United States, and most of the world, have grown up with the idea that capitalism good and socialism bad. Those ideas were something that I didn't really question and seldom thought about. This made it very hard for me to see myself in any kind of socialist movement. My friends told me that the conference would help me be able to see myself. That is pretty much what made me decide to go. Since the money thing was taken care of and with my friends assurance that it would help be able to see myself in the movement, I made the commitment to go. The conference started last Thursday and went until yesterday. I didn't make it down there in time for the first and only session on Thursday, but that was OK there was still a full three days of sessions to go too. I didn't get much sleep that first night, only like four hours, and so the next day I was extremely tired, but I still made it to every session that day.

The first one I went to was Sexuality and Capitalism. The talk was good, the speakers talked about how sexuality has changed over time and how capitalism has really limited us in how we can express ourselves. My only problem with it is that it seemed to be very cisnormative, meaning that it seemed to assume that everyone was cisgender (your physical sex matches your gender identity) and that they didn't seem to realize that when you through being trans into the mix, it complicates things further. We have to deal with the fact that our genitals don't fit to how we see ourselves and we have to do deal with the fact that our genitals might not be what our partners are looking for. I felt like a broken record that day. I was basically asking, where do trans people fit in all this?/what would a socialist world mean for trans people? I honestly wasn't sure, and didn't really feel like I got that question answered. There was one session that I didn't even bring that issue up cause it wasn't appropriate and that was Is Violence Necessary to Change Society? The speaker made a very compelling argument.

She argued that while at this point in the movement violence isn't necessary it shouldn't be taken off the table completely. The ruling class, ie capitalists, already uses violence to maintain the status quo even when we are peaceful and for us to say we will NEVER use violence is a terrible idea. Now I am not a fan of a violence, not a fan of war, but I think she has a point. For me violence shouldn't be used without trying other routs first. If we absolutely have too, I think violence should be a tactic. We should do EVERYTHING we can to try to get revolution to happen without violence, but we should keep that in our back pocket, so to speak, just in case we have too. Friday ended and though I thought it was very interesting discussions and talks, I was still having a very hard time seeing myself in the this movement. I hoped Saturday would be better.

I slept through the first session on Saturday. There wasn't anything that I felt like I absolutely needed to go to that session, so I caught up on my sleep. The second session I went to was What do Marxist Mean by Class? Interesting talk, but I didn't really feel like he answered the question. Seemed more like he was say "this is what it could be" more than what it is. He had a thick accent and maybe I just wasn't understanding him. The third session I went to was The Criss in Public School Education.

Education in this country is very near and dear to my heart. I wanted to be a high school English teacher for awhile. While my career goals are more geared toward college now, public education is still something that I care about a lot. The speakers talked about how there is an idea that the reason kids are failing is because of "bad and lazy teachers" rather than say poor funding for public schools. Schools are forced to compete with each other for funding and mainly gear there education toward doing well on the standardized tests that also evaluate teachers as well in order to get that money. The education system gears us up for how to take a fucking test, rather than actually learning anything. Some schools are so poorly funded that they don't have the resources to teach their students how to do that, but no, the teachers are the lazy ones. WTF! This talk at least started to get me fired up and seeing what the fuss was about, but I still didn't see myself in the movement. The fourth session I went to was The Peoples History of the Russian Revolution.

Very interesting stuff, but didn't really help in making me see myself in the movement. The last session I went to that day was Sex Wars: From McCarthyism to Prop 8 with Sherry Wolf. This was the session that helped see myself in this movement and the connections started to be made. The session was also the one that I was really looking forward too. She talked about the history of sexuality in this country and how capitalism helped to allow for people to develop LGBT identities while at the same time allowing for homophobia and transphobia as well. How the capitalist system pits workers against each other using those two things and prevents us from working together to take down capitalism. That made a hell of a lot of sense to me and the things started to click. The discussion after the talk was amazing as well. I got up and talked about how ENDA and another bill that failed to pass in New York was always focused on the bathroom issue and this insane fear that we are going to hurt people in the bathrooms and how they couldn't give a damn about my safety when I go into the bathroom. The session ended with all of us chanting. I can't remember what the chant was, but it was uplifting! From then on the conference was just amazing. My two friends, they are a couple and pool their resources, where nice enough to buy me Sherry Wolf's book Sexuality and Socialism, in which I have to hide from my father, pretty sure he would shit a brick if he saw that, and I got it signed by Sherry. The signature reads "Madwomyn- To Love and Revolution!" ^_^ Her session also gave me the quote of the conference. She was talking about the 1950s and the witch hunts and she said "There was nothing worse than a communist, Jewish, gay person" and she pointed at herself. Fucking amazing! She is SO funny!

The conference has helped me see where I fit into the socialist movement. I am part of the working class and I must work to make homophobia and transphobia go away so that the workers can work together to take down this capitalist system. Next year there is going to be a talk specifically about transgender issues and politics. I am really excited for that one. I feel more confidant about getting into the socialist and Marxist movements and I am very eager to learn more. I have three books Sherry's and to others to help in that learning. I am really excited ^__^

Thats all for now.

Byes!

P.S. The other issue I talked about in the beginning I will post about later. Also, at least 20 of the sessions will be posted on the website: WeAreMany.org if anyone is interested ^_^

The bathroom issue

Hey kiddies, sorry I haven't written anything in awhile, summer is always a slow time for me in pretty much every way. I hate it, I wish it was over. A quick update about what is going on in my life. I am still looking for that job to get me by these months. I have a couple of leads this week and into the weekend, wish me luck! I am finally going to meet in person the girl I like this next Monday and I am SUPER EXCITED!! And lastly, a friend of mine is going to do my hair. This is the look I am going for http://coollonghairstyles.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/carrie-underwood.jpg I have never been a huge fan of the look, but two of my friends think it would look good on me. One said it would soften my face and highlight it as well. The best part is shes going to do it for the low low college student friend price of..............FREE! I figure I will let her use me as her giant human doll, if I don't like it I don't have to keep it. K, thats pretty much all that is new in my life. Now on to what I really want to talk about and that is an article another friend made me aware of. http://www.advocate.com/News/Daily_News/2010/06/08/Trans_Rights_Bill_Dies_in_NY_Senate_Commitee/

The article talks about a New York bill that would have made it illegal to fire or deny housing to transgender people on the basis that they are trans. The bill had already passed the state assembly and hopes were high that the bill would pass the senate. Sadly, and yet unsurprisingly, the bill failed to pass the senate. The final vote was 12 against to 11 for. All the Republicans, unsurprisingly, voted against it and so did Dem Ruben Diaz. Had Ruben Diaz voted yes, the bill would have passed, but no the spineless fuck voted no and thus the transphobic assholes win again. The BIG concern for those who voted against bathroom use/other gender-segregated places. Basically, what is between our legs.

Unwarranted fears about people with penises going into the womyn's bathroom and what could happened, despite the fact that there is NO proof that anything would happen, other than us going to the fucking bathroom! Trans people are basically sexual deviants in these peoples eyes, especially transwomyn. Let me explain something to those out there that think that a transwomyn would EVER hurt someone with that fucking thing in our pants. A lot of us have a very strong hatred of the thing. Touching it very often grosses us out, some don't even see it as apart of them. Its for peeing and thats it. A lot of us go to great pains to hide it because we hate it so much. With all that said, what makes you think we would EVER use something that we hate, find gross, hate touching, don't think of as a part of us, and want to get ride of to hurt a fellow womyn or anyone for that matter? I can tell you right now, the thought of doing any kind of penetration with my cock to any womyn, even my future partners, makes me want to puke. Not because I feel the act is gross, but because it is to much of a male thing for me to do and I don't want to go there. I don't want to feel like a man. I promise, this is true for a lot of transwomyn. Obviously, not all trans people are like that, but I can promise you a grand MAJORITY of trans people don't want to fucking hurt anyone in a bathroom. We just want to go in, do what we need too, wash our hands, leave and get on with our lives. Also, what about our safety?

The people who are so concerned about this, don't seem to give a flying fuck that my fellow trans sisters and brothers are getting harassed, beaten, killed and sexually assaulted in the "proper" bathroom, according to what is between their legs, very often. Apparently we don't count in the discussion about safety and bathrooms just the fucking cisgender people. Also what about us and being comfortable in the bathroom? We have every right to feel comfortable when we use the bathroom, but apparently we don't matter in that either. Elected officials need to stop being concerned with what is in our pants and start doing doing what the fuck is right, sadly I don't see this happening anytime soon.

Once again trans people get screwed because elected officials and the american public, media included (ie Family Guy), is so obsessed with what is between our legs. They don't care whats in our hearts, minds, or souls we are just defined to them by what is between our legs. I wish I could say that I have high hopes that my country would grow the fuck up and get the mind out of what is between my legs, but the truth is I don't. My body is just a fucking display for them to analysis and wonder about. My privacy and safety be damned as long as the cisgender people are happy. *Sigh*

Thats all for now.
bye...

Enough is enough!

I'm tired of waiting.

Tired of waiting for cisgender LGB people to fucking grow a pair and advocate for trans people. Trans people have been fighting for your fucking asses since Stone Wall. Despite the fact that trans people have pretty much always been used and abused by you. We kept on fighting with courage and hoping against hope that you people would grow the fuck up and start battling for us. Its 2010 and yeah theres been some progress. Cisgender LGB people have finally started to know Sylvia Rivera's name and how great she was. I have meet some cisgender LGB people who are fighting for our rights and what we need, but there has been and kind of big leap. Nationally however, we still have a long way to go.

Tired of people like Barney "the fuck-head" Frank being obsessed with what is between my legs as opposed to who I am as a person. Frank who is obsessed with the fear of tranwomyn, who haven't gotten the surgery yet, to enter a womyn's bathroom because the transwomyn has a penis. Assuming that if we enter those bathrooms we will hurt the other womyn in there. Convicting us without any fucking proof that transwomyn have EVER done that! Subtly calling us rapists who just want access to these bathrooms to attack womyn. While not seeming to think, or to fucking care, that transwomyn could be attacked in men's rooms if we are forced to go in there. Somehow our safety isn't as important.

Tired of fighting for other people who don't seem to give a shit about my needs and my rights. Barney Frank, the HRC, and others are doing nothing to fight for us. They all claim that they are supportive of trans people, but in reality they could give a fuck. And yet they expect us to donate our time and money to them and support their causes. Get back to me when you fucking start fighting for my rights and really care about my issues, then we'll talk.

Tired of transphobic assholes like Dan Savage telling us to "wait" until others are ready before we transition and then calling us "selfish" if we don't http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=13054 I understand that it takes time for family members to come to terms with this drastic change, but we should NOT have to wait for them to accept us to do what we know in our heart of hearts is the right thing to do. If the families need time and don't want us around for awhile, fine thats their choice and is between the trans person and their families, however, cisgender-white-gay-man Dan Savage has no fucking right to tell us that we are being selfish when we transition. Get off your fucking high horse Dan and stop acting like you understand what we go through you fucking prick!

Tired of cisgender LGB people, cisgender white gay men especially, NOT realizing that YES, they do have fucking privilege simply because they are cisgender. I would like to think that just like most people who have privilege (white, able bodied, straight, etc) that they don't realize that they have the privilege until somebody points it out to them. Well, to anyone who is cisgender reading this consider yourself informed. Maybe I have this all wrong, maybe they do realize that they have that privilege and just enjoy trying to keep us down and below them. Somebodies got to be at the bottom right? I would like to believe this isn't true, but honestly I don't know anymore.

Tired of feeling ignored because I am how I am and wont back down and apologize for who I am and how I feel. Cisgener LGB people seem to like it best when they can ignore the fact that I am trans. They don't want me to talk about as if I should keep it a secret and just ignore it myself. I'll admit I have tried that. Tried to hide it and ignore it and pretend it didn't exist, that didn't work out so well. Now I'm tired of hiding for them, I am transwomyn and I demand you treat me respect that you would any other person.

Tired of the media using us to get cheap laughs. Shows like Family Guy, which pretty much used every trans joke in the fucking book, and movies like "Ticked of Trannies with Knives" (oh yes real fucking movie! http://www.transadvocate.com/tribeca-film-festival-promotes-exploitation.htm), which shows transwomyn getting violently killed and is billed as a "comedy".

All of these things, and so many more, must stop in order for the trans movement to go anywhere! I call on my fellow isgender LGB people who see what I am talking about to talk to your friends about this. Inform them on about these things and work to turn them into allies for all trans people.

Canvasing for marriage equality!

In 2007, my senior year of high school, I was involved with a group that canvased against a constitutional amendment that would ban gay marriage in my state. Had the amendment NOT passed, gay people still wouldn't have been able to get married in the state. Nothing would have changed at all, so the amendment was just over kill. The amendment was basically a way for the homophobs to try and make sure that gay marriage would never be allowed for gay people in my state. A lot of people didn't understand what they would be voting for.

I canvased for this group one day, in high heeled boots, all day and a lot of people honestly thought that if they voted yes for the amendment it would either allow gays to marry or it would somehow be helpful to gay people. That day we canvased in pairs me and my trans brother paired up together and he and I had to explain to a lot of people that the amendment would NOT allow gay people to marry or help gay people in anyway, but would ban it completely in my state. For the most part once people understood that, they at the very least they would think about the issue. Canvasing was a bit intimidating. I was always nerves when went up to the door. Nerves what reaction they would have, worried that I would bothering them (I hate bothering people), but despite all that, I did it because I felt it had to be done. I got every reaction you can imagine.

At worst people would slam their doors in my face. When that happened I figured they were a lost cause anyway, so FUCK them I no longer cared! On the opposite side of that, I would get the people who would completely agree with me and while I went "WOOOT" on the inside, that wasn't really the point me canvasing. I wanted get the word out and educate people about the issue. Sometimes I would have good conversations with people, who were on the fence about the whole issue, and by the end of it, most of them seemed pretty convince. I liked these people the best because it allowed me to at least interact with people and it kept me hopeful that I may have just convinced another person to vote NO on the despicable amendment. Lastly, there was the in betweens, kinda good, but not as good as I would have hoped. I would have good conversations with these people, but by the end of it they weren't swayed either way. I tried to look on the bright side when I was done talking to these people at least I got them thinking about it from all sides, there was no promise either way about how they would vote. Sadly, the groups efforts didn't change the outcome and the amendment passed into law.

Despite the fact that the amendment passed I would still do all that work into trying to prevent it from being passed again. Thats part of what activism involves losing and set backs. Comes with being an activism realizing that we are going to lose a great many before we make any progress. I wish this wasn't so, but that is the sad fact about being an activist. I still work with them somewhat, although I do take issue with the fact they support the current ENDA which isn't trans inclusive at all, even though they don't do much in the way of activism since the amendment. Canvasing was an amazing experience and one that I would repeat again, if given the chance, and yes I would SO do it in high heeled boots again ^_^

Thats all for now.
Bye!

Being a Transwomyn and Marriage.

Alright, so I realize I haven't discussed marriage on this blog and how it will affect me as a transwomyn. Being a transwomyn complicates things incredibly! Doesn't help that I am also a dyke to go along with it. The laws vary depending on the state one is living in. In some states, can't think of their names right now, what your chromosomes say determine who you can marry, I'm pretty sure its a southern state that has that law, go figure right? Doesn't matter what whether a transwomyn or transman has the surgery or not, if you have two X's you can only marry people with an X and Y and if you have an X and Y you can only marry people with two X's. Unless science figures out a way to change chromosomes of already alive people, trans people are pretty much screwed in these states, unless a federal law comes along.

In some states, like where I live, who someone can marry depends on their genitals. For example, in my state, I am still "legally" a male because I have a cock and haven't had the surgery yet. That means I can legally marry a womyn if I so choose. They legally can't stop me from doing that. If they tell me I can't because I am a womyn I can say "not according to the law I'm not" and I can get married to the womyn I love. However, the moment I get the surgery and am legally a womyn, I can't marry womyn anymore only men.

That just shows the insanity that is marriage laws in this country. I bet you there are LOTS of weddings where transwomyn and men are marrying the same gender all over this country everyday. Gay marriage is already happening. And look, that divorce rates and such aren't sky rocketing off the charts *GASP!*. We still have very high divorce rates, but if those marriages have any affect on them it is no doubt within the margin of error. Gay marriage is already happening and nothing has been damaged!

Why are we stopping people who love each other to get married, and see if they can make it work? Love is love people, no one should be denied that. Divorce rates are already very high and I highly doubt gay people are going to do any thing to change that, one way or the other. However, maybe, just maybe if more people who are excited about the chance to get married do, maybe those divorce rates will slowly begin to go down. No one even seems to want to bring that up as a possibility.

Why do we care so much about what gender the people are who get married? I hear a lot of the talk that gay marriage will "redefine marriage" mostly from people who truly don't realize just how many times marriage has been "redefined". To really go back to traditional marriage, we would have to go back to a day where womyn where property. Where marriage was more about getting land and making two families more wealthy than about love. Long ago black people couldn't marry white people and back in the days of slavery, black people couldn't marry each other. I ask the people who want "traditional" marriage, do you want all of that again? Or do you think it will be a step backwards rather than defending marriage?

Why are letting the religious right in this country control this issue? In an ideal world churches would accept gay marriage and help us with get married and some do. We live far from an ideal world, but I and others like me don't want to MAKE the churches do anything they don't want too. We just want the legal right to get married under the law. Is that so much to ask? We just want the same right that every straight couple has in this country.

Marriage in this country shouldn't be about gender, race or chromosomes, but it should be about celebrating the love of the two people. Get rid of those fucking labels of male, female, black, white, Latino/Latina, Asian, etc, etc and just celebrate the love of two human beings! We are all people searching for that someone who we love and who loves us back and we all deserve to have that love legally recognized under the law if we so choose. So, that we can have the all the benefits that go with that recognition.

Fourth Gender

Hello kiddies! Sorry, it has been so long. I haven't had much to write about, so I have held off. I do have something to write about today though, and it is about how I see myself in terms of gender.

So I have come to realize that being strictly female doesn't really fit me. I am much more female than male it is true, but I don't think I am completely female. Having said that, the option for being in between or Third gender, meaning being part male and female, doesn't really fit me either. Theres got to be a fourth option for people like me. I have tried to look up the fourth gender online and there is nothing. Being a fourth gender is a hard thing to describe, which I guess is why there isn't anything out there, but I'll do my best to say what it means to me.

I am part female, part male and part transgender. Part of me will always belong to the transgender community, even if I one day pass 100% of the time. They are my brothers and sisters and I can't and wont leave them. I am still working on accepting myself and my body, but I have now fully accepted that I will always be trans in some way, shape or from to someone out there and theres nothing that I can do about it. Whether its my voice, which I'm not going to change, my broad shoulders, or what little there is of my Adam's apple there will be something that someone will see that will give me away. I'm ok with that now. If the person who notices doesn't like it, TOUGH shit for them. I could give a flying fuck. I am learning to take pride in the fact that I am trans. I have a tattoo that reminds me everyday how amazing and cool that is. The male part of me comes from the good things in my past and how those experiences have helped shape me as a person.

I lived 16 years of my life as a boy. That helped shape me and how I see the world. While living that way, I was hurt and learned things about what means to be a good person and I still carry those things around with me. I learned how to make friends when I was living as that boy. Some of those friends I still have to this day, others I have lost contact with, and others I have cut out of my life for totally different reasons than my transitioning. I learned the value of an education living as a boy and how amazing teachers can be. Those are lessons I wouldn't change for the world. I am going to take those things and accept them as a part of my identity cause they are. I am learning to smile at those memories now, instead of getting sad for the girlhood I should have had. The female part is for sure the biggest part of me.

For as long as I can remember I have always felt like a girl. The things they said and did made so much sense to me and I felt connected to them. I still feel that way today. I have said it once I'll say it again, that at the very core of me I am a womyn. That part directs what I do and how I act and is very often the over-ruling voice when I am trying to decide what to do in a given situation. She has veto power over most things, but there is very often an internal debate and she can be swayed. These three parts haven't exactly gotten a long in harmony in the past, but I am working on getting them there.

Very often the transgender part of me has been pushed back because of shame and self-hatred and fear that if I am actually proud of being a transwomyn, that I am somehow being full of myself or I am not truly being a womyn. The male part of me is resentful and wondering why he had to be cast aside, so that I can be miserable this way. The female part is trying to rule, but at the same time feels guilty that she is ignoring the other two and treating them like shit.

Very slowly, with a lot of work still needing to be done, I am getting them all to come to terms with each other. Finding transfeminism has helped allow the female part of me and the trans part of me to see eye to eye, and realize that they can work together and be happy. The tattoo has also helped bring them together and most of the time they work together now. The male part of me and the other two are still very much a work in progress, but I have managed to get the two dominant parts of me to realize that he is apart of my past. Hes not just going to go away, and he has certain part of him still on me physically.

I write it this way to give you, the readers, a visual. Some of you are going to think I am nuts and that I have voices in my head, but that isn't my intension. I just want to give you guys a visual so you can see an how I am trying to fit those three big parts of me into the giant puzzle that is The Mad Womyn. Maybe there is a better way to do it, but I don't know how and this was the only way I could think of to get my point across.

All of that is how I would identify the fourth gender. Its a lot like the third gender, but with the added piece of just being trans. Being transgender is a gender in and of itself, in my opinion, and is something that I am gradually growing to like, even love, about myself! Not completely there yet, but I can see the light at the end of the very long tunnel ^_^

Thats all for now.
Bye!

School away from home

I have recently completed my first full year in college away from home. Up until then I had been going to school at a small tech school and living at home. Part of the reason I choose a school away is because I wanted to get away from my dad. I love him to death, but honestly he was driving me crazy and he and I just don't see eye to eye politically. We agree that politicians are scum, but thats about it. I want to go somewhere so that I didn't have to censor myself that way.

Overall that worked very well. I got heavily involved with groups on campus that are fairly liberal and I'm even an officer for one of them next semester. I made some great friends how helped get more and more involved. I went on the National Equality March on Washington my first semester, which was an amazing and I wouldn't change it for the world! I have explored different facets of myself and am working on making myself better. Still very much a work in progress, but I'm working on it. I started this blog while I was there and have found it to be very freeing to just write what is on my mind and talking about the things I care about. I have even gotten friendly with a girl who lives a bit far away, but is coming up for school near where I live. I really like her and am hopeful. I got a tattoo that reminds me everyday of who I am and that I should be proud. This is not to say that things haven't been tough in some ways. Both semesters had tough moments. The first semester had more of them than the second.

The first semester included me having a breakdown when a friends mom knew that I was trans. I hadn't cried that hard in a long time. Lead to good things, but still at the time very hard. Add to that an emotionally abusive semi-relationship, we never officially dated but it was a relationship, with a girl that blamed me for everything and you have me in an emotional wreck! That semester also included the first time that I cut myself just to feel something else other than emotional pain. I still have the cuts on my arm. Not proud of it, but I did cut myself. I was a broken mad womyn when I left to return home for winter break.

I used winter break as a break! I didn't do much, but relax and try it find my emotional equilibrium again. For the most part a break is what it was. I got my special Buffy the Vampire Slayer box-set the only thing I wanted for X-mas and got through all of the special features, including the commentaries, before the end of break. My family from the school kidnapped me sometimes and we hung out which was always a lot of fun! Things started to seem pretty good between me and that girl again. We seemed to be able to workout stuff. I kissed her for the first time, my first kiss actually, and kissed every other time we saw each other, except for the last time, after the first one. I turned 21 and got a bit drunk that night with my two favorite sisters not actually related, but they have adopted me as the third sister. The bad part came at the end when the girl ripped my heart out by choosing a GUY over me, shes bi. I was a wreck for about a week after that. Then my best-friend took me out to the annex for a fetish night and I got flogged for the first time! Twas amazing! Got me to stop thinking about the girl. Second semester was much better, but still had its down moments.

The girl drove me crazy to the point where, at the advice of my best-friend <3, I had to tell her to fuck off! She has left me alone since, HURRAY! I realized just how much I hate myself and how ashamed I feel about being a transwomyn. That realization had me shaking literally. My roommate, another transwomyn, dropped out of school and basically blamed me for it! Much like my ex, who blamed me for her cutting herself, my ex-roomie blamed me for the reason she was dropping out of school. Like my ex, me and the roomie don't talk anymore. Other than that second semester was good. I really started to get somewhere with my counseling and that helped maintain my emotional equilibrium. I wasn't the emotional wreck that I was when winter break came.

I am back home for the summer, have a job interview in about 2 hours and have feeling that this is going to be a long summer. My home doesn't feel like home anymore. I love my dad, but I once again feel stifled because I can't freely express my leftist views at home. Hopefully, the organization ISO can help me get those out once a week and of course I always have this blog ^_^. Hopefully, the summer wont be so bad. If I can get this job, I don't think it will be *crosses fingers*

Thats all for now!
Byes!

ENDA.....how I hate it!

I have realized looking back at my recent blogs that I haven't directly talked about ENDA or the Employment None Discrimination Act. Something that has pissed me off over the last week or so. So, I thought I would for this blog. Fasten your seat belts kiddies, as I get political on you once again.

The HRC and Democrats in congress want to pass ENDA into law. The current form of ENDA would protect all LGB people from being fired just because they are LGB WITH NO STRINGS ATTACHED. While the law also protects Trans people from being fired just because they are trans, that comes with a catch. The catch is that transwomyn and transmen will NOT be able to use the bathroom that they feel most comfortable in. To quote the ignorant-transphobic-bastard Barny Frank trans people with “one set of genitals would not be able to go to a bathroom for people with another set of genitals." Frank is the same man who told the people who marched on Washington last year, of which I was one, that "The only pressure they (the marchers) will have is on the grass!" He also said "Concessions had to be made." Once again trans people get the short end of the stick and that is OK in the view of Barney Frank and the HRC! And just how exactly will employers know whether someone has the "right set" of genitals? Easy, genital inspection.

If the current form of ENDA goes into law, employers will have the right to basically ask someone to "describe" their genitals and can even request that they show them their genitals. Lets count the ways this is wrong. 1) My genitals are NO ONES business unless I choose to tell you about them and 2) Talk about humiliating. My cisgender readers image that for a second. Image that an employer asking YOU to describe your genitals to them? Humiliating is it not? I know the law doesn't say that in writing, but I don't think it is a stretch to image that shit like that WILL happen if the current form of ENDA goes into law! Not only is this form of ENDA humiliating, but it is also dangerous.

Image what could happen if a transwomyn walks into a mens bathroom. There is a big chance of them getting verbally harassed, beaten up, killed or sexually assaulted by men in those bathrooms. Also imagine the humiliation of having to EXPLAIN why you are in that bathroom. My trans sisters and brothers and I will have to say that we have the "wrong" genitals. On a personal level, I feel like this will hurt transwomyn more so than transmen.

I am in no way saying that transmen WONT be affected, because they will, but transwomyn have a harder time passing in a lot of ways. For instance estrogen doesn't change our voices the way testosterone, or T as it is known in the transmen community, changes transmens. Granted T doesn't deepen transmens voices 100% of the time, but there is an EXTREMELY good chance it will. Also while estrogen slows down body hair like facial hair, and sometimes lightens it, facial hair still grows and takes years and years of expensive electrolysis to remove. While T adds facial hair and a lot of the time is used as a way to pass for them. Not saying that transmen have it good either as far as passing, but in those ways they have it A LOT better than transwomyn do. With that I bet you that more transwomyn than men will be asked to "describe" their genitals.

This whole thing just pisses me off! Barny Frank and the HRC could give a flying fuck about trans people. That fuck-head Frank continued to say that “consistent gender presentation” would also be required in order to sue. The example he gave of something people CAN'T do is sitting there with "full beard and a dress." To me this just PROVES that transwomyn are the target in this. I don't think this a reasonable requirement at all. Just another way for cisgender people to FUCK people who don't fit into those gender boxes and have no interest to do so. That part is all about cisgender people not being comfortable with how trans people present themselves, well I say fuck you. Trans people deserve to be respected because they are human beings! Talk about judging a book by its cover.

So basically in order for trans people to be able to use ENDA they have to jump through hoops. They have to prove a) they are "presenting consistently", how the fuck are you suppose to prove that in a court of law? And b) follow the part of the law about matching genitals. So, if they are caught using the "wrong" bathroom ONE time and someone complains the employers can use that and they are off the hook! While it gives cisgender LGB people a no questions asked way out! ENDA isn't trans inclusive at all! ENDA tries to pay lip service to trans people and maybe has "good intentions", but in the end only makes us stand out even more than we already do. Fuck Barney Frank and FUCK the HRC if they think this is a good enough for trans people.

I hope that this form of ENDA doesn't go through. For once I hope the party of "No", aka the Republicans, who hate the bill win! I actually agree with them for once. For totally different reasons, but I still agree. Can't tell you how much it pains me to say that.

Byes!

Regeneration

So I'm a big fan of the show Doctor Who which is about a time traveler known as the Doctor. He is a Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey. He travels in a ship called the TARDIS, which stands for Time And Relative Dimensions In Space, that is supposed to blend in with the environment of what every place he lands, but that is broken so it is stuck in the form of a Police Box. One of the things that comes with being a Time Lord is that they can cheat death. Whenever they are about to die they can regenerate, up to 12 times, and continue on. Some days I really wish I could do that.

Now generally speaking regenerations are random. The 5th Doctor looking in the mirror says: "Thats the problem with regeneration.....You never know what your going to get!", but not always. The second Doctor was forced to regenerate by his own people, and was given a choice. He didn't want any of them, so they CHOOSE for him. (And yes I realize that by saying all of that I have just cemented my place in the geek/nerd/dork hall of fame, but if you hadn't figured out that I was a geek/nerd/dork by now you haven't been paying attention so I don't care :P) So there must be away to choose!Heres the brilliant thing too, when he regenerates he keeps all his memories. Hes not a blank slate. His personality is different, but his values are the same and by the way, there is nothing NOTHING that says he can't regenerate into female form.

I would love to regenerate into a cisgender womyn's body. I would still be me, just with a different face and body. Everything I fight for would still be apart of me, just in a different skin. Some days I think how great that would be I know its never going to happen, but it would be super cool! Usually I only think about that on bad days and one of those days another thought occurred to me. Transsexual, which for the sake of this post means people who take hormones and may get the surgery to be the other gender, people are probably as about as close as humans can get to being able to regenerate.

Transsexual people go from one gender to the other. They can change everything! The way they talk, the way they walk, their personalities, etc. Granted they don't HAVE to change everything, but they can and a lot of them do. In fact a lot of the times their values even change because they have been hiding the ones that come out for so long. We also change our bodies with hormones and with surgery if we wish. It isn't as right away like the way Time Lords regenerate, but it still happens.

One could argue that the biggest difference is that when the Doctor and other time lords do it to save their lives and that trans people don't. I disagree. I disagree because often times transitioning, or regenerating, is the last resort. We have two choices, live or die. Meaning if we don't be the men or womyn that we know we are suppose to be, we will doubt kill ourselves. Often times that decision is a matter of life or death. We do it in order to survive. Funny, considering it also puts us in danger too. The Doctor is always in danger just by nature of being the Doctor. He has made many enemies that would love to kill him just for being him. I grant that it is a stretch to compare the two, but transsexual people are often killed because people don't like us.

I grant that this is, probably, just me trying to relate to a character, but honestly I think it makes some sense. Also, please don't think I am trying to demean the transsexuals and other trans people who die because they are who they are by comparing them to a fictional character, that isn't my intention.

Transwomyn

I am a transwomyn.

I am the womyn that both cisgender womyn and men alike feel that they have the right to gawk at. As if my body is always on display to their stares and amusements, but if I stare back suddenly I am an intruder and told that it is rude to stare. To these people I am not seen as human, but as a piece of meat walking around to observe, for lack of a better term.

I am the womyn that people see as a freak, because I was born with a cock and have experience living as a man. Society doesn't know where to put me, so they lash out and hate me for who I am. They expect me to conform to their ways of thinking. Some of my trans sisters are in agreement with them. Both sides want me to fit in that nice little box setup for womyn in our society. I refuse. I DID NOT do this to go from one box to the other!

I am the womyn that is thrown under the bus whenever battles over civil rights are involved. I am the "concession" that has to be made so that another group can move up in the world, while I go nowhere. People promise to bring me with......eventually once they have made it. Then MAYBE they'll help despite the fact that I, and others like me, have been fighting for THEIR rights all the time! And that all oppression is connected.

I am the womyn that way back when, and some today, feminists spat on as just "men trying to get into womyn's places." I'll admit that I experienced forms of male privilege in my life. I lived as a male for 16 years so of course I did. Seeing that has only made me more a feminist today then anything else. I gave it up to be the person that is writing this. I never wanted it in the first place.

I am the womyn people hate because I challenge their assumptions about what it is to be male or female. Instead of talking to me or going on and doing research it is just easier to get mad. Humans get violent at what they don't understand. Why is that? Why do we reach for hate so easily? Confusing things are scary it is true, but why do we turn to violence when those things come up? If it is just "human nature" than this world is already screwed. I don't believe it is human nature. I believe society has taught us the idea to look down on others below them. I don't think the early men and womyn of the earth gave a flying fuck about who was below them, they just wanted to survive.

I am the womyn that had to make the hardest choice of her life when she was 16. Live as the womyn I knew I was or die. The third "option" of living as a male was to horrible to think about. I would rather die than live as something I wasn't. Still people try to push me into something that I am not fully comfortable with. I don't fit in those either box, never have never will.

At the time it was really hard to choose. I knew on a basic level what my life would be like if I transitioned. I knew I would be hated by some. There were moments where I thought I wouldn't be able to go on. I choose to live then because I had a father and friends that loved me dearly and I started to see a light at the end of the long tunnel that was my life. Its been 4 years now. The light gets closer and closer, not sure when I'll catch it, but I know I will.

I am a womyn who has probably done more self reflecting than most people do in their entire life. Comes with the package. In order to decide to make such a radical change ONE better make sure that it is what they truly want because after a certain point theres no going back. Most people don't have to wake up with the struggle of what gender they are. Most people wake up and that is one thing they don't have to think about.

I am the womyn who chose life over death. Who chose to fight rather than give in. Who will continue fighting her heart out because if she stops....the people who hate her win. I am beyond drained, tired and burned the fuck out, I lapped them probably about 100 times by now, but I still go on. Stopping isn't an option. I don't like that stopping isn't an option, but its true. I need to be the change I wish to see in the world as Gandhi said.

I am the womyn who goes on no matter how much society beats her, puts her down, and spits on her. I refuse to let society at large win. Refuse to let them beat me. I refuse to stop fighting. I have my own issues and through fighting this battle, I have begun to work some of them out. That is the other reason I mustn't and CAN'T stop fighting.

Fuck Family Guy!

This post is going to be about Family Guy and their latest episode that makes fun of trans people, specifically transwomyn, in a very tasteless way. Let me start off by saying that A) I couldn't give two shits about being politically correct. I have never really cared about being politically correct honestly, I do however care about being respectful. There is a way to be respectful and make fun of someone. B) As a general rule I don't like the show because I find the jokes stupid and very unfunny, however, I have never once been offend by the things they said. On the whole, they do a good job of making fun of everyone in a respectful way. For example when Peter "turned gay" in a episode, and was acting very stereotypically, they still managed to show some respect for his partner and even gay people everywhere because of that. However, this episode EPICALLY FAILED to be anything close to respect full.

In the episode Quagmires dad, a respected war hero, comes out as being a transwomyn and gets a sex change. The Griffins go with him to the hospital to support him and, of course, to watch the surgery or as Lois calls it "the circus". Where they talk about the penis getting chopped off, btw this is FACTUALLY wrong about the surgery. The dad takes on the name Ida after and goes to the Griffin's place for dinner and brings with her a pie to contribute. Lois tells Meg to throw the pie a way right away, because heaven for bide they eat something made by a transwomyn. At the dinner, Ida is asked if she "misses having a penis" and other dumb and disrespectful comments like that. Later on Ida starts dating Brian, the dog, until he finds out that she is a transwomyn *GASP!* and he starts vomiting right after.

Whats the problem you may ask? Its all in good fun and Family Guy makes fun of everyone right? Since trans people, transwomyn in particular, are often seen as the clowns and NOT taken seriously anyway, this just sets us back. Maybe the point of the episode was to show how dumb these stereotypes are, but when ALL society has to gone on IS the stereotypes you just end up reinforcing them as opposed to challenging them. Before we start challenging the stereotypes, we need to have a good solid trans character on TV.

Right now general society, yes I include LGB people in that, see transwomyn as sexual deviants, showed through the relationship with Brain, our surgeries as something to watch and gawk at, showed through the Griffins and Quagmire watching, and clowns to be made fun of, showed through Lois telling Meg to throw away the pie. THAT IS ALL THAT SOCIETY SEES OF US! Transwomyn aren't seen as people, but as these deviant beings that deserve to be made fun off. Until we are seen as anything else episodes like this will only serve to hurt us.

Part of the reason that Peter's "turning gay" worked so well is because gay people have strong representation that prove those stereotypes wrong. They have people in OUR GOVERNMENT, shows that show them as actual people dealing with everyday issues. Strong characters that show up in shows all the time. TRANWOMYN HAVE NONE OF THAT! The only thing we have to go on is someone in the Obama administration and I'm willing to bet A GRAND majority of Americans DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT. Shes not at all talked about in the news.

What is even more disturbing is the amount of transmen who seem to want to let this slide. A common excuse is that Family Guy makes fun of everyone and why should transwomyn be any different? BECAUSE TRANSWOMYN AREN'T TAKEN SERIOUSLY DUMBASS! If there was some representation of a transwomyn out there that was respectful and not the butt of ALL jokes and show up on regular basis on a prime time TV show, I would agree that we should just let this go. The problem is that there isn't! Instead we get shat on by TV shows like Family Guy and even South Park (still haven't forgiven Matt and Trey for that one) as fucking perverts! I also doubt very seriously if these transmen who are OK with this, would be OK with Family Guy making fun of them and calling them lesbians and commenting on the fact that they have vaginas! The would be arguing the SAME THING I have been through out this entire post.

So once again tranwomyn get shat on. Is it any wonder why SO many don't come out until they are older? Is it any wonder why so many hate crimes are committed against us? Is it any wonder why we OFTEN FEEL ASHAMED, I speak through personal experience, about being trans? Is it any wonder WHY organizations like the HRC throw us under the bus? With a culture that only shows images of tranwomyn being somehow less than human, after all if we aren't human who cares if we die and who cares if we have equal rights, and deserving of being the butt of all jokes WITHOUT any counter point to that, it really isn't any wonder to me. FUCK FAMILY GUY AND ITS "GOOD INTENTIONS"!!!!