Body Dysphoria

Bodies suck. I hate them so much. Lately I have had some issues with a certain part of my body, 3 guess (first two don't count) as to which part I am talking about. I have been more acutely aware of it for the last few days. Its like it is taunting me. Laughing at me because there is nothing I can do to get rid of it yet. I can't just remove it myself, because, ironically enough, I need it in order to have the surgery and I don't have the money in order to get the surgery. I don't know what is wrong with me lately. I haven't had a serious moment where I have panicked about it, but it has gotten worse.

Its hard living day in day out with something that you feel isn't yours and shouldn't be on you. Makes sexual things almost impossible, because at any moment you know you will probably have a freak out because of it. And no, it really doesn't matter if the person I am having sex with sees me as 100% woman. The freak out moments aren't their fault. There no ones fault really, just one of the many bullshit things that I, and my trans sisters and brothers, who go through transition, have to put up with. I wish it would just go away. I hate it so much.

It something that makes me want to vomit. When it gets hard I start to feel sick and invaded/violated. Lately its been hard to even use it for the one thing it is good for and that is peeing. It means I have to touch it and acknowledge its exists on me. Its the one thing on my body that makes me feel trapped and feel like this body doesn't belong to me. I haven't felt like a person for a very very long time. Lately it has been because of it and people really don't understand why.

People have told me all the time, all cis people, that I need to get over it. They say that they have stuff about their bodies that they hate and that they don't let it control lives. What they don't get is that those body issues don't define them in terms of gender. If you are not as skinny as you would like to be, you are still a womyn according to society. You are maybe a bigger womyn, but you are still a womyn. Whatever other thing about your body that you hate, as a cis person, doesn't change your gender in the eyes of society.

However, somebody sees that I have a dick, all of sudden my gender changes in their eyes. I am no longer a womyn if I passed to them before and the begin to notice all my "male" qualities, its as if all my female body traits, like having breasts for instance, go away and are ignored.. Also, I am not letting it control my life. If I was letting it control my life I wouldn't leave my apartment. I would huddled in the corner crying all day. I step out into the world and try to live as normally as possible without being to sad. Maybe it doesn't work, but I fucking try. I face the world, go to all my classes, and general function.

People have also told me that they can tell it bothers me. They say that it is like some invisible thing hanging over me and that I am always thinking about. Most of the time this is not true I am not always thinking about it. However, it does hang over me daily. It hangs over me as a constant reminder that I have to always be on my guard. That at any moment, even if I pass around people, my identity as a womyn can be challenged and even belittled if I am unlucky enough to meet someone who is an asshole. All it takes is for one person to "realize" that I have a dick and all of sudden people start looking at me funny and calling me sir.

People say call them out on it and assert yourself. Assert the fact that I am female. Its not as easy as it sounds, cause when people misgender me or challenge my identity as a womyn, its against a back drop of people doing that all my life and all these memories of people doing that come flooding back. All the memories of how I felt like I was the only one in the world growing up and felt that no one would understand me, come back and in that moment, I loose whatever chance I would have had to assert myself, cause no matter how many times it happens it hurts just the same as the first time some called me he instead of she. Also, in certain situations like going to the bathroom for example, I really don't want to educate people and, shocking I know, I SHOULDN'T have to educate every asshole I meet that does this shit to me.

I fucking hate being trans right now. *sigh*