Fourth Gender

Hello kiddies! Sorry, it has been so long. I haven't had much to write about, so I have held off. I do have something to write about today though, and it is about how I see myself in terms of gender.

So I have come to realize that being strictly female doesn't really fit me. I am much more female than male it is true, but I don't think I am completely female. Having said that, the option for being in between or Third gender, meaning being part male and female, doesn't really fit me either. Theres got to be a fourth option for people like me. I have tried to look up the fourth gender online and there is nothing. Being a fourth gender is a hard thing to describe, which I guess is why there isn't anything out there, but I'll do my best to say what it means to me.

I am part female, part male and part transgender. Part of me will always belong to the transgender community, even if I one day pass 100% of the time. They are my brothers and sisters and I can't and wont leave them. I am still working on accepting myself and my body, but I have now fully accepted that I will always be trans in some way, shape or from to someone out there and theres nothing that I can do about it. Whether its my voice, which I'm not going to change, my broad shoulders, or what little there is of my Adam's apple there will be something that someone will see that will give me away. I'm ok with that now. If the person who notices doesn't like it, TOUGH shit for them. I could give a flying fuck. I am learning to take pride in the fact that I am trans. I have a tattoo that reminds me everyday how amazing and cool that is. The male part of me comes from the good things in my past and how those experiences have helped shape me as a person.

I lived 16 years of my life as a boy. That helped shape me and how I see the world. While living that way, I was hurt and learned things about what means to be a good person and I still carry those things around with me. I learned how to make friends when I was living as that boy. Some of those friends I still have to this day, others I have lost contact with, and others I have cut out of my life for totally different reasons than my transitioning. I learned the value of an education living as a boy and how amazing teachers can be. Those are lessons I wouldn't change for the world. I am going to take those things and accept them as a part of my identity cause they are. I am learning to smile at those memories now, instead of getting sad for the girlhood I should have had. The female part is for sure the biggest part of me.

For as long as I can remember I have always felt like a girl. The things they said and did made so much sense to me and I felt connected to them. I still feel that way today. I have said it once I'll say it again, that at the very core of me I am a womyn. That part directs what I do and how I act and is very often the over-ruling voice when I am trying to decide what to do in a given situation. She has veto power over most things, but there is very often an internal debate and she can be swayed. These three parts haven't exactly gotten a long in harmony in the past, but I am working on getting them there.

Very often the transgender part of me has been pushed back because of shame and self-hatred and fear that if I am actually proud of being a transwomyn, that I am somehow being full of myself or I am not truly being a womyn. The male part of me is resentful and wondering why he had to be cast aside, so that I can be miserable this way. The female part is trying to rule, but at the same time feels guilty that she is ignoring the other two and treating them like shit.

Very slowly, with a lot of work still needing to be done, I am getting them all to come to terms with each other. Finding transfeminism has helped allow the female part of me and the trans part of me to see eye to eye, and realize that they can work together and be happy. The tattoo has also helped bring them together and most of the time they work together now. The male part of me and the other two are still very much a work in progress, but I have managed to get the two dominant parts of me to realize that he is apart of my past. Hes not just going to go away, and he has certain part of him still on me physically.

I write it this way to give you, the readers, a visual. Some of you are going to think I am nuts and that I have voices in my head, but that isn't my intension. I just want to give you guys a visual so you can see an how I am trying to fit those three big parts of me into the giant puzzle that is The Mad Womyn. Maybe there is a better way to do it, but I don't know how and this was the only way I could think of to get my point across.

All of that is how I would identify the fourth gender. Its a lot like the third gender, but with the added piece of just being trans. Being transgender is a gender in and of itself, in my opinion, and is something that I am gradually growing to like, even love, about myself! Not completely there yet, but I can see the light at the end of the very long tunnel ^_^

Thats all for now.
Bye!