I once knew a kid that was like a brother to me. We laughed, played and cried together. I told him of my decision to transition and he said "Hey man, I'll always be your friend." He told me things about his life that I very much doubt a lot of people know. Secrets that I will take with me to my grave because that was between me and him and no one else needs to know, but I'm getting ahead of myself lets back up to when we met.
Now I don't remember things like what the whether was like when we met or how I was feeling that day, I only remember that we met when we were both in 3rd grade. He was a new student and I had only been there half a year and knew how hard it was to be the new kid. Me and another friend decided that we wanted to try to be friends with him. So we both started talking. That was the beginning of our trio. The three us would do EVERYTHING together. Whenever I wanted to hang out with people, they were the ones I called. If one couldn't, the other, most of the time, could and so we would hang out. It helped that we lived with in walking distance of each other. As time went on, I got extremely close to the new kid.
We would very often be up late at his house or mine a lot of the time playing video games or just hanging and talking or sometimes both. These were the times when he would tell me about his life. How uncaring his mother was, how much he wished he lived with his dad who did legit love him. These conversations left me feeling lucky that I lived with a parent that loved and cared for me deeply. I felt loved when I got home, he didn't. To this day my biggest pet peeve our parents that don't give a FUCK about their kids. That don't make an effort to show some interest in what is going on in their lives. *sigh*. As all friends do, we had our disagreements.
There was one time we got in a fight. What the fight was about I can't remember, something stupid like most fights, and we didn't talk to each other for almost a month. Finally, he broke the silence and said he was sorry. I said I was sorry too and the hatchet was buried and we went back to being friends again. Rumors about him would always find away to my ears.
Rumors that he was abusive to women. That he even rapped women. Very serious accusations to be sure, but the "rumors" never came directly from the survivor, but rather from a friend of a friend. So, I did what I thought was right and just shrugged it off until I heard it directly from a survivor. I never really thought it would happen. I didn't really expect it too and plus my he was my bestfriend.
After all we had been through together I wasn't about to end that based on a rumor. I realize I'm rationalizing this. Perhaps I didn't believe it because I didn't want to believe that I would make such an error in judgement. I have always prided myself on picking my friends wisely, maybe I didn't want to think I had made a mistake. If I accepted those rumors as truths I would also have to accept the fact that I didn't know everything about my bestfriend. That maybe I didn't know who he was at all and he just put on a show for me all those years. Whatever the reason, I did eventually get the tale right out of the horses mouth.
1 day before spring break my senior year of high school, the friend who helped me figure out my gender issues came to me and told me the story of how my bestfriend raped him. They way he told me was through notes, TOTALLY high school, that we passed in study hall. I kept them all. Now the survivor is an ftm and this happened while he was living as a girl. He said he didn't want this to affect my relationship with my bestfriend, but how could it not? Cut to me being so upset that I could barely function. Teachers became worried, cause when the happy go lucky girl is suddenly upset in a small school, teachers TEND to notice. The survivor eventually calmed down enough to allow me to enjoy my spring break.
I was able to but the whole thing on the back burner and not let it affect me to much. I was unsure what to do about my bestfriend, wasn't sure whether I wanted to be his friend anymore, but I couldn't just stop acting like his friend without him wondering. So, I did the only thing I thought I could do and that was keep everything normal between us. I needed to time to think about what I wanted to do. A few weeks later, the survivor got angry at me for doing this.
He claimed that I seemed like I was OK with what happened to him. I SO WASN'T, but he felt like I was. I went to him and asked him what he wanted me to do. I was at a loss. I felt like I was damned either way I went. If I continued to be friends with my bestfriend, the survivor would be mad and if I stopped being friends with my bestfriend all those years of history would be for nothing. He told me he didn't know what he wanted me to do. Cut to me being a wreck again.
I told my dad all about what was going on and he was at loss too. He saw how hard this was for me and hated that there was nothing he could do. Tears in my eyes, I even asked if I was wrong for still wanting to be friends with my bestfriend and he, very honestly, said: "No you aren't wrong, because you two have been through so much together. Its hard to kill that bond." This didn't really help me, but I loved him for saying it anyway.
The next day at school I managed to explain what was going on to my favorite teacher using person A, B, and C. That way she wasn't required to report since she didn't have names. I fucking love that loop hole sometimes!! After asking a few clarifying questions, pretty sure she KNEW I was person B, the one in the middle, she looked me in the eye and she said "Wow. That sucks and thats hard." She also told me that if I wanted to talk more to come back to her at the end of the day.
I spent the rest of the day trying to figure out what I wanted to do. The survivor didn't want me to tell. My bestfriend didn't know that I knew. I had this information that was killing me and keeping me in a bind. Finally, I decided that for the sake of my sanity, I had to tell. If that sounds selfish I'm sorry, but that is what it came down too. So, bawling my eyes the entire time, I told the teacher. I knew full well that I could lose both friends. The survivor would hate me for telling and my bestfriend wouldn't be to happy in having this to deal with. I would look two-faced in his eyes. I killed myself all that weekend about it, dreading the Monday.
Monday came......and nothing happened. No investigation, no questions for me, NO NOTHING! I killed myself for nothing! I later found out that the reason nothing happened was because the survivor never actually used the word "rape" in the notes. He implied it, but he never said the word. Also the crime was years ago and Wisconsin law says they can't investigate the crime. No evidence. So, the school year ended, I graduated with flying colors and summer came.
Somewhere in the middle of the summer, I decided that I had to tell my bestfriend, who I still thought of as a friend. I decided that I had to tell him in person and so I went over to his house. BIG MISTAKE! I should have just told him online. I went over and told him, waiting for the explosion. It never came. He thanked me for being honest and then got up and sat down next to me on his bed. Then suddenly he just graped me and held me in a bear hug style hug. He stroked my back around the area where my bra clasp was. This sudden movement made me go stiff. My brain blacked out for a few minutes terrified that he was going to try something more. He didn't. I'd like to think he didn't because of our years of friendship, but I'm probably wrong about that. I don't know why he stopped, I'm glad he did, but I do know that he probably could have done more if he wanted to. I was to scared to fight back and he is much bigger than I am. He out grew me in middle school.
Once he finally let go I made an excuse to leave and have only seen him in passing since. This whole issue has made me wonder if I even knew who my ex bestfriend. Were all those years of us hanging out a lie? Was he just putting on a show and was never honest with me? How could I be such a fool? More importantly some part of me still thinks of him as a brother, despite the awkward "hug" at the end there. Am I wrong to feel that? This is probably an issue that, like a lot of others, time will heal and help me solve. The ultimate question for me is: Did I know him at all?!?
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