School away from home

I have recently completed my first full year in college away from home. Up until then I had been going to school at a small tech school and living at home. Part of the reason I choose a school away is because I wanted to get away from my dad. I love him to death, but honestly he was driving me crazy and he and I just don't see eye to eye politically. We agree that politicians are scum, but thats about it. I want to go somewhere so that I didn't have to censor myself that way.

Overall that worked very well. I got heavily involved with groups on campus that are fairly liberal and I'm even an officer for one of them next semester. I made some great friends how helped get more and more involved. I went on the National Equality March on Washington my first semester, which was an amazing and I wouldn't change it for the world! I have explored different facets of myself and am working on making myself better. Still very much a work in progress, but I'm working on it. I started this blog while I was there and have found it to be very freeing to just write what is on my mind and talking about the things I care about. I have even gotten friendly with a girl who lives a bit far away, but is coming up for school near where I live. I really like her and am hopeful. I got a tattoo that reminds me everyday of who I am and that I should be proud. This is not to say that things haven't been tough in some ways. Both semesters had tough moments. The first semester had more of them than the second.

The first semester included me having a breakdown when a friends mom knew that I was trans. I hadn't cried that hard in a long time. Lead to good things, but still at the time very hard. Add to that an emotionally abusive semi-relationship, we never officially dated but it was a relationship, with a girl that blamed me for everything and you have me in an emotional wreck! That semester also included the first time that I cut myself just to feel something else other than emotional pain. I still have the cuts on my arm. Not proud of it, but I did cut myself. I was a broken mad womyn when I left to return home for winter break.

I used winter break as a break! I didn't do much, but relax and try it find my emotional equilibrium again. For the most part a break is what it was. I got my special Buffy the Vampire Slayer box-set the only thing I wanted for X-mas and got through all of the special features, including the commentaries, before the end of break. My family from the school kidnapped me sometimes and we hung out which was always a lot of fun! Things started to seem pretty good between me and that girl again. We seemed to be able to workout stuff. I kissed her for the first time, my first kiss actually, and kissed every other time we saw each other, except for the last time, after the first one. I turned 21 and got a bit drunk that night with my two favorite sisters not actually related, but they have adopted me as the third sister. The bad part came at the end when the girl ripped my heart out by choosing a GUY over me, shes bi. I was a wreck for about a week after that. Then my best-friend took me out to the annex for a fetish night and I got flogged for the first time! Twas amazing! Got me to stop thinking about the girl. Second semester was much better, but still had its down moments.

The girl drove me crazy to the point where, at the advice of my best-friend <3, I had to tell her to fuck off! She has left me alone since, HURRAY! I realized just how much I hate myself and how ashamed I feel about being a transwomyn. That realization had me shaking literally. My roommate, another transwomyn, dropped out of school and basically blamed me for it! Much like my ex, who blamed me for her cutting herself, my ex-roomie blamed me for the reason she was dropping out of school. Like my ex, me and the roomie don't talk anymore. Other than that second semester was good. I really started to get somewhere with my counseling and that helped maintain my emotional equilibrium. I wasn't the emotional wreck that I was when winter break came.

I am back home for the summer, have a job interview in about 2 hours and have feeling that this is going to be a long summer. My home doesn't feel like home anymore. I love my dad, but I once again feel stifled because I can't freely express my leftist views at home. Hopefully, the organization ISO can help me get those out once a week and of course I always have this blog ^_^. Hopefully, the summer wont be so bad. If I can get this job, I don't think it will be *crosses fingers*

Thats all for now!
Byes!