WARNING, WARNING THIS POST CONTAINS INFORMATION THAT IS NOT AT ALL SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN OR ANYONE REALLY. IT GOES FAR FAR FAR INTO THE TMI ZONE SO IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ SOMETHING LIKE THAT RUN AWAY NOW!!! IN FACT I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THAT YOU CLOSE THIS BROWSER NOW AND MAYBE BURN YOUR COMPUTER! CONSIDERED YOURSELF WARNED!!!!!!!! BTW I AM NOT JOKING FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO THINK I AM!!!!!!!!!.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
Alright, for those brave souls that have decided to stay and read this (OH MY GOD WHY?!?) Fasten your seat belts and prepare for me to discuss masturbation. More specifically what I think about while masturbating.
Since I know a grad majority of people who read my blog are my friends some of you know my issues with masturbation. I only masturbate, (you were warned folks), when I feel guilty or feel like I have done wrong, I am aware that this ISN'T healthy and I am working on fixing the problem, it is more of a punishment than pleasurable the most pleasure I get is when it is done and I don't have do it again for awhile. Also what I think about doesn't make sense to me and something I find rather terrible.
I think about giving a men blowjobs. Sometimes I think about this entire world where women do nothing but serve men sexually. There is no consent if a man says to a woman that she will give him a blowjob she does it right away. No questions asked. Sometimes it is just me and a guy and me telling him to smack me in the face with his cock (again, you were WARNED!), make me beg a little bit and shove his cock down my throat. I'm attracted to women, so why do I get off on a "fantasy", I use that term VERY loosely, of a man shoving a cock down my throat?!?
I'm honestly not sure. Maybe I WANT to give a blowjob to a guy at some point in my life, despite NOT being attracted to men in anyway. Why I would want to do that, I don't know. I don't understand. It really doesn't make sense to me. A friend of mine suggested to me that my being into BDSM would help explain it. She said that people into BDSM are turn on by the "undesirable", for lack of a better term, and that since I identify as a lesbian, giving a man a blowjob would the most "undesirable" thing for me to want to do ever! There is a kind of logic to what she said. I'm not sure I like the logic, but it is absolutely there.
The violence of the "fantasy" is something that bothers me. Why does that violence turn me on? In the fantasy I am telling the man that I WANT him to do all this things, does that make the violence OK? These "fantasies" make me very uncomfortable and its probably, at least in part, because I hate that I have a cock. I'm not sure if I ever will fix that problem. That hatred is something that I have felt all my life. I have had to live with something that I haven't felt was a part of me forever and to accept that is hard. My cock is there and apart of me physically, but mentally and emotionally not so much.
My counselor has decided that for our last session, next week Thursday, we will focus entirely on my sexuality. Ugh! The most awkward conversation EVER part three!
Thats all for now.
Bye.
<3
ReplyDeleteYou've made it through the first two parts of the most awkward conversation ever...
I'm into BDSM too. I'm a girl, heterosexual and I sometimes dream of women doing weird things to me. I'm not sure why. What you said about being turned on by undesirable things makes sense to me, though.
ReplyDeleteNo one knows this about me, but I find it interesting that I'm not alone. <3 Keep blogging.
Fantasies are fantasies for a reason. If you fantasize about molesting a three year old, that doesn't make you a pedophile. Some fantasies aren't meant to be acted out. Sometimes they are meant to stay in your brain and get you off from there. You don't ever have to actually suck a dick if you don't want. I'm a super butch lesbian (you know me, btw, not well, though...) and I sometimes fantasize about giving men blowjobs. And I think it's because I want a dick (sometimes). So I feel if I pleasure a guy, its like pleasuring the cock I want between my legs. I'm also super into gay male erotica. But I don't like watching it (semen is icky.) but hearing people describe sucking dicks... excellent. :)
ReplyDeleteI can't understand your hatred and dislike of your genitals. I have it too. I don't see a vagina, I see a dick. I don't overly like touching myself... I don't like the (gag) wetness. Whereas, you'd love it on yourself.
Bottom line - masturbate to whatever, whenever, however you want. It sucks you only get to feel orgasm when youre disappointed... but you'll get there. But your fantasies are okay. :)