Buffy the Vampire Slayer

"You think you know what's to come, what you are. You haven't even begun." -Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Tara to Buffy, "Restless"

Anyone who knows me is well aware of my love of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I love Joss Whedon in general, but Buffy is my absolute favorite show of his and my favorite show of all time! Very often I find quotes from the show that speak to me and my life and the one above is a big one. That quote is very much what stops from me seriously thinking about killing myself. I know it sounds weird to say, but its true. In context of the show, the quote comes from last episode of season 4 called Restless, the dream episode, and it serves as a reminder that to Buffy that she hasn't begun to explore herself. The quote makes me think about the future and see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The quote reminds that I haven't even lived half my life as a female. I haven't even begun to explore my womanhood because I was forced to keep it hidden the majority of my life. The real me is still relatively new to this world. She has only really been out there the last 4 years. The person I am today was buried FAR underneath the person I was for the majority of my life. I have come a long way from the lie, but I still have a long way to go. The quote serves as a reminder of that.

Part of the reason I love the Buffy the Vampire Slayer so much is because I can relate to the characters particularly Buffy, Willow, Spike and Anya. I see myself in them in various degrees. I add my own subtext, as Whedon encourages his views to do. Spike is the character I relate to the most.

The story of Spike is of this love sick poet named William, known as William the bloody because of his bloody awful poetry and later because he shoved rail road spikes through his victims skulls, who is told by the woman he loves that he is "beneath" her, runs off into the streets of London and, literally, runs into the vampire Drusilla who turns him into a vampire. He starts to change into more of a bad ass vampire: he changes his name from William to Spike, joins up with Angelus (one most evil vamps in the buffyverse), kills two vampire slayers taking one of their leather coats, and generally ravages the countryside of Europe. However, that love sick poet never really leaves.

Spike first shows up in season 2 of Buffy. He is there to try to find his girlfriend, Drusilla, a cure for her sickness that only affects vampires, doesn't kill them just makes them weak and frail. From first moment the viewer sees the deep love that he has for Drusilla. He goes to great lengths to make sure she is safe, even letting Buffy out of a death trap, when has a stake to Dru's heart. As the series goes on, the viewer learns more and more about Spike, who eventually falls in love with Buffy and gets his soul back for her.

Despite the fact that Spike is a vampire, he still manages to do GOOD things. At the end of season 2, he helps Buffy stop Angelus from destroying the world and then leaves with Dru. He helps, albeit grudgingly, the Scooby gang a lot. Eventually he has a chip in his head that makes it impossible for him to attack humans, but even before then he wasn't the typical vampire. Joyce Summers, Buffy's mom, has instant connection with him. There are scenes where she and him are talking and really bonding over coffee or tea. A lot of these scenes are pre-chip and all are pre-soul.

Spike very much walks on the line between human and vampire. In season 6 Buffy tells him "Poor Spikey. Can't be a human, can't be a vampire. Where the hell do you fit in?" On the one hand he is suppose to be evil and bad and the other hand, he does good things and does actually care about Buffy. I feel like I walk the line between so many different worlds.

I walk the line between being male and female. If one goes by society considers to be a woman (ie someone with XX chromosomes, a vagina, uterus, etc) I will never be a full fledged woman. I will never have XX chromosomes or a uterus, unless medical science figures out a way to give me one. I wont go through the traditional rights of passage that most girls go through like the start of the period or even the first bra shopping experience, I have one, but it is NO WAY traditional. At the same time though, I am not a male. The only thing that is "male" about me is the fact that I have a cock. The hormones have displaced a lot of my body fat, so I look more feminine. You look at a male picture of me and you would never know it use to be me. I'm not either, so like Buffy asked spike where the hell do I fit in?!? I'm honestly not sure. I want to be me. I want to be the person that I was meant too, they are more female than male, but there are still parts of me that are "male". Like I said before I didn't do this to go from one gender box to the other.

Being a dyke is another point of contention. Can I really be a dyke if I am not a ciswoman? Some would say no, I say yes because of my strong female identity. At the same time can I really be a straight woman? I am not a ciswoman so if I dated men would that really be considered straight? I believe that sexuality is fluid and that what is between your legs or your genes doesn't matter in the long run. You love who you love regardless. I walk that line everyday.

Underneath Spikes bad ass vampireness, for lack of a better phrasing, he is still that love sick poet. My past is very much like that. I was a macho, manly man growing up. The surface layer was that macho exterior of me acting like I was so tough and that is what the outside world saw. When really I cried myself to sleep at night often because I was so ashamed of living the lie and acting the way I did. I tried to deny that part of myself for years as Spike tries to fight his too. Spikes mask falls away at the end of season 6 when he went and got his soul back for Buffy, my mask falls away when I realized what it was I feeling. Spike is character that I continue to find new and interesting things about the more I watch the show, that is a mark of a good show and a good character if you ask me!

I realized that this post is very long and I that I don't have time to explain the other characters mentioned, I will end here. I will continue with this at a later date.

Bye!