Mrs Longfield

04/16/2010

I was born on January 3rd, 1989. I had no idea that I would one day end up going to Sauk Trail Elementary school and meet a wonderful woman named Mrs. Longfield. She was the one who really got me get back on track as far as school goes. Helped teach me the value of an education and really got me to love school. I was one of her favorite students. She loved me ^_^ in fact, she told my dad that she wanted to clone me and keep a lot of me (pretty sure the world would explode if there was MORE than one of ME, but whatever) in her classroom always! My dad, without missing a beat, told her that she could but he "gets the real one!" Teachers like her rock and there needs to be more of them.

I wish there was more teachers like her in school. I think kids would be a lot less troubled if there were. She was a teacher you could go to talk and discuss things and she would do her best to help. She knew what she was talking about and how to teach children the value of school. She didn't reach all the kids the way she did me, what great teacher does after all, but I'm willing to bet that she has helped more than just me. She started the deep respect I have for teachers and helped me see them as people.

From then on, most, teachers have gotten along with me and I them. Growing up, I was, for lack of a better term, a "teachers pet" in that I got my work done ON TIME (what a concept!) and was always willing to help, this includes other teachers at Sauk Trail. Mrs. Longfield started that tread. This lead to some great teachers in my high school TELLING me to shut up, I wasn't offended because we had that kind of relationship, because I was answering to many questions and not letting the other kids speak. Still a problem today lol.

I can't really remember my schooling before I went to Sauk Trail. I remember being a troubled kid back then and a bit of a brat, imagine that right? But I don't remember much else. I was sent to Mrs. Longfield's classroom because it was discovered that I had a learning disability in 2nd grade and she taught kids who had those issues. So, it was pretty much a twist of fate that lead me to meet her. Oh, what a happy twist of fate indeed! I technically STILL have a learning disability, but I have more control over who knows that. I get to decided whether or not I use the help that comes with it. Haven't used it once in college and don't plan too.

I remember her very fondly. I have always sorta suspected that she is a lesbian. I have NO proof of such, but the vibe she gave off, even though I didn't understand then, was that of a lesbian to me for some reason. She IS amazing, she still teaches there. In her class I would very often get lost in what she was teaching or saying and would be able to escape the internal struggle of which gender I was. She pretty much helped me realize that school was worth while and a good place to be. I have carried that with me throughout high school and now into college. She changed my life. I miss her. She is a part of my past that I actually feel good about. She and I got very close, but not close enough I guess for me to tell my secret.

I feel guilty about these memories too, because I feel like I lied to her. I never talked about my gender issues with her. Always pretended to be a masculine little boy and never really let my guard down. Yes, I did that because I was terrified what her reaction would be, but does that justify the lie? I could have said something, I could have asserted my strong feeling of being female from a very early age, but I didn't because I was scared. Does that justify it and make it right? I'm not so sure it does. I don't know though.

I actually emailed her one day during my second year of college, asking if she and I could get together and talk so I could try and get through some of these issues and got no response. That made me sad. It Felt like almost a rejection or maybe she just doesn't remember me or it went to spam, I don't know. Either way it didn't happen and I was sad. I haven't tried again, maybe I should. I honestly believe it would help me reconcile my past with my present and future something I need to do. Maybe she'll see this and get into contact with me lol. Probably not, but it is a transwomyn's right to dream ^_^ or at least it should be.

I'll end with this thought about what I think is at the heart of all this and that is fear. Letting fear control you is never a good thing. If we all could just let go of the fear about things the world would be a better place. People fear what they don't understand and that fear can lead to hate. Why can't we all just learn that people are people no matter what and that it really doesn't matter? Humans try to make order in a world that, often, makes no sense and if we just accept the fact that it doesn't make sense and love it for what it is, we would all be A LOT happier! Its not ignorance, it is just accepting the fact that there is a limit to human understanding that will never go away.