WARNING, WARNING THIS POST CONTAINS INFORMATION THAT IS NOT AT ALL SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN OR ANYONE REALLY. IT GOES FAR FAR FAR INTO THE TMI ZONE SO IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ SOMETHING LIKE THAT RUN AWAY NOW!!! IN FACT I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THAT YOU CLOSE THIS BROWSER NOW AND MAYBE BURN YOUR COMPUTER! CONSIDERED YOURSELF WARNED!!!!!!!! BTW I AM NOT JOKING FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO THINK I AM!!!!!!!!!.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
Alright, for those brave souls that have decided to stay and read this (OH MY GOD WHY?!?) Fasten your seat belts and prepare for me to discuss masturbation. More specifically what I think about while masturbating.
Since I know a grad majority of people who read my blog are my friends some of you know my issues with masturbation. I only masturbate, (you were warned folks), when I feel guilty or feel like I have done wrong, I am aware that this ISN'T healthy and I am working on fixing the problem, it is more of a punishment than pleasurable the most pleasure I get is when it is done and I don't have do it again for awhile. Also what I think about doesn't make sense to me and something I find rather terrible.
I think about giving a men blowjobs. Sometimes I think about this entire world where women do nothing but serve men sexually. There is no consent if a man says to a woman that she will give him a blowjob she does it right away. No questions asked. Sometimes it is just me and a guy and me telling him to smack me in the face with his cock (again, you were WARNED!), make me beg a little bit and shove his cock down my throat. I'm attracted to women, so why do I get off on a "fantasy", I use that term VERY loosely, of a man shoving a cock down my throat?!?
I'm honestly not sure. Maybe I WANT to give a blowjob to a guy at some point in my life, despite NOT being attracted to men in anyway. Why I would want to do that, I don't know. I don't understand. It really doesn't make sense to me. A friend of mine suggested to me that my being into BDSM would help explain it. She said that people into BDSM are turn on by the "undesirable", for lack of a better term, and that since I identify as a lesbian, giving a man a blowjob would the most "undesirable" thing for me to want to do ever! There is a kind of logic to what she said. I'm not sure I like the logic, but it is absolutely there.
The violence of the "fantasy" is something that bothers me. Why does that violence turn me on? In the fantasy I am telling the man that I WANT him to do all this things, does that make the violence OK? These "fantasies" make me very uncomfortable and its probably, at least in part, because I hate that I have a cock. I'm not sure if I ever will fix that problem. That hatred is something that I have felt all my life. I have had to live with something that I haven't felt was a part of me forever and to accept that is hard. My cock is there and apart of me physically, but mentally and emotionally not so much.
My counselor has decided that for our last session, next week Thursday, we will focus entirely on my sexuality. Ugh! The most awkward conversation EVER part three!
Thats all for now.
Bye.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Don't Ask, Don't Tell
Generally speaking I don't like to post more than one post a day, but since I doubt anyone is reading this blog except for my friends, love you guys ^_^, and as sometimes happens an issue has come up that makes me rather upset and I feel the need to write to get my anger out. The issue tonight is Don't Ask, Don't Tell America's insane policy on gays and lesbians in the military. Hold on to your seats kiddies as I once again get political on you!
Let me start off by saying that I think America, as a nation, spends far to much on the military. We take money away from education and other things our society is lacking in and give it our military, which to me isn't right. We are spending TONS of money on a war in Iraq that is unjust, started by a "president" that never should have been the president to begin with and that we should get out of ASAP because of those two reasons. I do understand the NEED to have a military in order to protect our country, but the amount we spend on ours is absurd and we should be spending that money on things like education, which this country is lacking in pretty much EVERY category! Having said all that, I also believe that EVERYONE should have the right to serve in the military if they wish. As the situation stands now, some people aren't allowed to serve.
Gays and lesbians can't serve if they are honest with who they are. They can lie and stay in the closet and be allowed in, but this involves a life of secrecy and fear. In the documentary called Ask Not a former soldier talked about how when she went out with her girlfriend to dinner, she had to look around the restaurant to make sure there was no one she knew. If there was and they saw them, she ran the risk of being turned in for "homosexually conduct". This to me is absolute BULLSHIT!
Don't Ask, Don't Tell or DADT was put into place by president Bill Clinton because, in my opinion, he caved to pressure from the right wing of this country. He regrets putting the law into place today accord to the documentary, which shows a voice over of him saying just that to an interviewer. He should have just done what Harry Truman did in 1948, when he signed an executive order saying that African Americans would be allowed in the military no matter what and not be segregated, Clinton should have done the same thing only for gays and lesbians! Basically saying FUCK YOU to everyone who thinks that it is wrong. But no he caved, and put into law something he would later regret. A lot of the support for DADT comes from the argument that gays and lesbians would cause problems with the unity of the military. This is proven wrong by the other countries that ALLOW gays and lesbians to serve openly in the military.
There are 25 countries that allow gays and lesbians to serve openly. They are: Australia, Austria, Belgium, Canada, Czech Republic, Denmark, Estonia, Finland, France, Germany, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Slovenia, South Africa, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, United Kingdom, Uruguay. And NONE of them seem to have ANY issues specifically about gays and lesbians serving openly in the military. In fact most people in these countries, as is the cause here in America, don't GIVE A FLYING FUCK whether they are fighting with openly gay people in the military. According to the film 70% of soldiers in THIS country could give a rats ass if someone is gay and serving with them in the military and yet we still have this INSANE law!
The U.S. military is loosing a large portion of the best and brightest because this law exists. People who are ready, willing and able to fight and possible die for this country are being lost everyday because of "homosexual conduct". There are reports everyday about recruiting numbers NOT being where the military wants them to be. Hmmm, let me think how we could possibly help FIX this problem........Let every single gay or lesbian person who wants to serve openly as a gay or lesbian soldier join?!? Yeah, pretty sure that would at the very least HELP, if not fix the problem completely! Why are we denying people the right to join the military? Other countries have already proven the stupidity of the right wings lead argument, so why are we still having this problem?
I want our president to have the courage to do what Harry Trueman did in 1948. Say fuck you to all the ignorant, stupid people in this country and sign an executive order TELLING the military that they will accept gays and lesbians who are open about who they are! DADT is an INSANE law that NEEDS to go!
Let me start off by saying that I think America, as a nation, spends far to much on the military. We take money away from education and other things our society is lacking in and give it our military, which to me isn't right. We are spending TONS of money on a war in Iraq that is unjust, started by a "president" that never should have been the president to begin with and that we should get out of ASAP because of those two reasons. I do understand the NEED to have a military in order to protect our country, but the amount we spend on ours is absurd and we should be spending that money on things like education, which this country is lacking in pretty much EVERY category! Having said all that, I also believe that EVERYONE should have the right to serve in the military if they wish. As the situation stands now, some people aren't allowed to serve.
Gays and lesbians can't serve if they are honest with who they are. They can lie and stay in the closet and be allowed in, but this involves a life of secrecy and fear. In the documentary called Ask Not a former soldier talked about how when she went out with her girlfriend to dinner, she had to look around the restaurant to make sure there was no one she knew. If there was and they saw them, she ran the risk of being turned in for "homosexually conduct". This to me is absolute BULLSHIT!
Don't Ask, Don't Tell or DADT was put into place by president Bill Clinton because, in my opinion, he caved to pressure from the right wing of this country. He regrets putting the law into place today accord to the documentary, which shows a voice over of him saying just that to an interviewer. He should have just done what Harry Truman did in 1948, when he signed an executive order saying that African Americans would be allowed in the military no matter what and not be segregated, Clinton should have done the same thing only for gays and lesbians! Basically saying FUCK YOU to everyone who thinks that it is wrong. But no he caved, and put into law something he would later regret. A lot of the support for DADT comes from the argument that gays and lesbians would cause problems with the unity of the military. This is proven wrong by the other countries that ALLOW gays and lesbians to serve openly in the military.
There are 25 countries that allow gays and lesbians to serve openly. They are: Australia, Austria, Belgium, Canada, Czech Republic, Denmark, Estonia, Finland, France, Germany, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Slovenia, South Africa, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, United Kingdom, Uruguay. And NONE of them seem to have ANY issues specifically about gays and lesbians serving openly in the military. In fact most people in these countries, as is the cause here in America, don't GIVE A FLYING FUCK whether they are fighting with openly gay people in the military. According to the film 70% of soldiers in THIS country could give a rats ass if someone is gay and serving with them in the military and yet we still have this INSANE law!
The U.S. military is loosing a large portion of the best and brightest because this law exists. People who are ready, willing and able to fight and possible die for this country are being lost everyday because of "homosexual conduct". There are reports everyday about recruiting numbers NOT being where the military wants them to be. Hmmm, let me think how we could possibly help FIX this problem........Let every single gay or lesbian person who wants to serve openly as a gay or lesbian soldier join?!? Yeah, pretty sure that would at the very least HELP, if not fix the problem completely! Why are we denying people the right to join the military? Other countries have already proven the stupidity of the right wings lead argument, so why are we still having this problem?
I want our president to have the courage to do what Harry Trueman did in 1948. Say fuck you to all the ignorant, stupid people in this country and sign an executive order TELLING the military that they will accept gays and lesbians who are open about who they are! DADT is an INSANE law that NEEDS to go!
Buffy the Vampire Slayer 2
"Seize the moment, because tomorrow you may be dead!" Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Buffy to Willow, "Welcome to the Hell Mouth"
As promised, I would like to continue how I relate the characters in the TV show Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I would like to continue with the main character of the show Buffy Summers. She is the "main" hero of the show and also the title character. As Joss Whedon says they, the writers, "put her (Buffy) through her paces". Throughout the entire series her constant dream is to be just like other girls.
At the beginning of the show Buffy is just moving to small town Sunnydale, California after being expelled from her last school for burning down their gym, full of the vampires, and just wants to live a normal life without worrying about the vampires. Unfortunately for Buffy, Sunnydale is on top of a hell mouth and vampires and other nasties really love it there. Yet still, at first, she refuses because she just wants a normal life. Her resistance to take up the fight doesn't last long.
Buffy along the way in the first episode meets Xander and Willow and she becomes fast friends with the two. Willow gets into trouble in part because Buffy tells her to "Seize the moment, because tomorrow you may be dead." (one of my most favorite quotes EVER!) and Willow proceeds to do so by going to talk to a boy, who turns out to be a vampire. Buffy identifies the guy as a vampire and sees Willow go off with him. Buffy, feeling a little bit responsible, but also because she doesn't want to see Willow get hurt, goes and to find them and kill the vampire. Buffy's friends are a lot of the reason she accepts her slayer duties in the end. I don't fully believe she "chooses" to do this, but is forced too because she has no other choice. Buffy is forced to fight all the time.
In the third season episode Homecoming while running away from killers with Cordelia, who she is competing with for Homecoming queen, are in a cabin and Cordy asks Buffy why she cares so much about winning homecoming queen when she gets to have all this, meaning the danger and the fighting. Buffy responds "Because this is all I do! This is what my life is like! I just thought, Homecoming Queen. I could pick up a yearbook someday and say, 'I was there, I went to high school, I had friends and, for one moment, I got to live in the world.' And there'd be proof; proof that I was chosen for something other than this. Besides, I look cute in a tiara." All Buffy does is fight monsters and save the world, she doesn't really do anything else but fight.
As my last post said I feel the same way. Obviously I don't go out every night and kill vampires, would be AMAZING if I did, but I still fight. I don't really do anything else but fight. I don't get a chance to just live in the world and just be me because I am always fighting. I don't really have a choice in whether or not I fight cause I have to deal with the bullshit everyday. I get drained and just want to stop sometime, but I can't. A 31 year old transgender womyn was found murdered in Puerto Rico recently, no doubt because she was transgendered. My own safety and the fact that trans people are constantly being harassed, assaulted, and killed is reason that I can't stop fighting. No breaks, no rest, and no real peace. All of it is emotionally draining and sometimes physically draining.
I have very often wished that I was just like every other girl who didn't have to wonder if people saw her as a girl everyday, but I can't. That is not the hand I have been dealt in life. On really bad days I wish that I was just like every other girl, on the best days I am proud of of the fact that I am not and the average day I go through both feelings equally. Whatever day is happening, it is a fight. A fight within myself to be strong and a fight with the outside world to just let me live my life.
I realize full well that A LOT of what I am saying, minus the specific situation, most, if not all, people can relate to in their own lives. We all have something we are fighting either within ourselves or with societies ignorance and stupidity or both. Joss Whedon has given us a character that I feel everyone can relate to on some level. Being a transgender womyn has allowed me to connect with this fictional hero because I, like her, feel like all I do is fight and sometimes I just want to STOP, but I can't, like she can't.
As promised, I would like to continue how I relate the characters in the TV show Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I would like to continue with the main character of the show Buffy Summers. She is the "main" hero of the show and also the title character. As Joss Whedon says they, the writers, "put her (Buffy) through her paces". Throughout the entire series her constant dream is to be just like other girls.
At the beginning of the show Buffy is just moving to small town Sunnydale, California after being expelled from her last school for burning down their gym, full of the vampires, and just wants to live a normal life without worrying about the vampires. Unfortunately for Buffy, Sunnydale is on top of a hell mouth and vampires and other nasties really love it there. Yet still, at first, she refuses because she just wants a normal life. Her resistance to take up the fight doesn't last long.
Buffy along the way in the first episode meets Xander and Willow and she becomes fast friends with the two. Willow gets into trouble in part because Buffy tells her to "Seize the moment, because tomorrow you may be dead." (one of my most favorite quotes EVER!) and Willow proceeds to do so by going to talk to a boy, who turns out to be a vampire. Buffy identifies the guy as a vampire and sees Willow go off with him. Buffy, feeling a little bit responsible, but also because she doesn't want to see Willow get hurt, goes and to find them and kill the vampire. Buffy's friends are a lot of the reason she accepts her slayer duties in the end. I don't fully believe she "chooses" to do this, but is forced too because she has no other choice. Buffy is forced to fight all the time.
In the third season episode Homecoming while running away from killers with Cordelia, who she is competing with for Homecoming queen, are in a cabin and Cordy asks Buffy why she cares so much about winning homecoming queen when she gets to have all this, meaning the danger and the fighting. Buffy responds "Because this is all I do! This is what my life is like! I just thought, Homecoming Queen. I could pick up a yearbook someday and say, 'I was there, I went to high school, I had friends and, for one moment, I got to live in the world.' And there'd be proof; proof that I was chosen for something other than this. Besides, I look cute in a tiara." All Buffy does is fight monsters and save the world, she doesn't really do anything else but fight.
As my last post said I feel the same way. Obviously I don't go out every night and kill vampires, would be AMAZING if I did, but I still fight. I don't really do anything else but fight. I don't get a chance to just live in the world and just be me because I am always fighting. I don't really have a choice in whether or not I fight cause I have to deal with the bullshit everyday. I get drained and just want to stop sometime, but I can't. A 31 year old transgender womyn was found murdered in Puerto Rico recently, no doubt because she was transgendered. My own safety and the fact that trans people are constantly being harassed, assaulted, and killed is reason that I can't stop fighting. No breaks, no rest, and no real peace. All of it is emotionally draining and sometimes physically draining.
I have very often wished that I was just like every other girl who didn't have to wonder if people saw her as a girl everyday, but I can't. That is not the hand I have been dealt in life. On really bad days I wish that I was just like every other girl, on the best days I am proud of of the fact that I am not and the average day I go through both feelings equally. Whatever day is happening, it is a fight. A fight within myself to be strong and a fight with the outside world to just let me live my life.
I realize full well that A LOT of what I am saying, minus the specific situation, most, if not all, people can relate to in their own lives. We all have something we are fighting either within ourselves or with societies ignorance and stupidity or both. Joss Whedon has given us a character that I feel everyone can relate to on some level. Being a transgender womyn has allowed me to connect with this fictional hero because I, like her, feel like all I do is fight and sometimes I just want to STOP, but I can't, like she can't.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Front Lines
Everyday seems like a battle. I walk around my college campus and it seems like everyone stares at me as if wondering who and WHAT I am. They don't even bother to try to talk to me, they just stare. As if I am some side show freak for their entertainment and wonder. Often I am walking and a group of people will see me and go DEAD quiet, even if they were talking excitedly a moment before, when I cross their path. As if one of them has some big secret and doesn't want me to hear. After I am far enough away, they start talking again. I often look back and watch how someone else crosses their path and the group doesn't go quiet.
I wonder if they even KNOW that I notice it happens every time. Maybe they do. Maybe that pointed silence is a way for them to say "We don't want you here" or "Fucking freak, you're going to hell!" and try to scare me, get me to drop out and quit living my life. Wouldn't shock me at all if that was indeed the purpose. Most of the time, the stare and the silences don't bother me at all. I shrug them off and don't care, but some days these things make me want to breakdown. My friends tell me all the time that it is their lose for not trying to get to know me, but still the constant grind wears me down.
I feel like I am constantly battling the world and that I am always on the defensive. Sometimes I think I should just say something to the idiots who stare or the idiots who go dead silent, but I would probably be wasting my breathe and might get beat up. So why bother? I don't even want to be on the offensive, I would rather just be and not have to worry about all this shit. People often wonder why I seem so down and why I don't smile, its because all I do is fight. There was a time in my life when I didn't fight at all. I don't much miss that time, but I would like to rest. All I can do is keep fighting.
My high school teacher Mrs. Brumm told me once that I was on the front line of the transgender movement. I don't really have a choice in being on the front lines. I'm a transwomyn in a world, and more specifically a country, that doesn't fight for my rights or care about my rights. This forces me to have to educate people about trans issues, even if I really don't want too, because if not me who? The trans community has NO national leader and thus it is up to us everyday people to educate society at large and help them become allies.
I don't expect anything very significant to happen in my life time in terms of transgender equality, but I will fight for future trans people. I don't have a choice. I don't mean for that statement to sound negative when I say it, in fact its not negative. I feel that I have this duty to fight for these rights simply because I am trans and have seen the bullshit we have to go through and put up with. Pisses me off more than I can say. Words can't describe how angry I get when I hear things about transgender people being unfairly treated. I'm just being realistic in the fact that it ISN'T a choice for me. I'm here, I'm trans and damnit if I am going have to put up with society's bullshit anyway, I may as well fight as hard and as long as I can to change it!
I wonder if they even KNOW that I notice it happens every time. Maybe they do. Maybe that pointed silence is a way for them to say "We don't want you here" or "Fucking freak, you're going to hell!" and try to scare me, get me to drop out and quit living my life. Wouldn't shock me at all if that was indeed the purpose. Most of the time, the stare and the silences don't bother me at all. I shrug them off and don't care, but some days these things make me want to breakdown. My friends tell me all the time that it is their lose for not trying to get to know me, but still the constant grind wears me down.
I feel like I am constantly battling the world and that I am always on the defensive. Sometimes I think I should just say something to the idiots who stare or the idiots who go dead silent, but I would probably be wasting my breathe and might get beat up. So why bother? I don't even want to be on the offensive, I would rather just be and not have to worry about all this shit. People often wonder why I seem so down and why I don't smile, its because all I do is fight. There was a time in my life when I didn't fight at all. I don't much miss that time, but I would like to rest. All I can do is keep fighting.
My high school teacher Mrs. Brumm told me once that I was on the front line of the transgender movement. I don't really have a choice in being on the front lines. I'm a transwomyn in a world, and more specifically a country, that doesn't fight for my rights or care about my rights. This forces me to have to educate people about trans issues, even if I really don't want too, because if not me who? The trans community has NO national leader and thus it is up to us everyday people to educate society at large and help them become allies.
I don't expect anything very significant to happen in my life time in terms of transgender equality, but I will fight for future trans people. I don't have a choice. I don't mean for that statement to sound negative when I say it, in fact its not negative. I feel that I have this duty to fight for these rights simply because I am trans and have seen the bullshit we have to go through and put up with. Pisses me off more than I can say. Words can't describe how angry I get when I hear things about transgender people being unfairly treated. I'm just being realistic in the fact that it ISN'T a choice for me. I'm here, I'm trans and damnit if I am going have to put up with society's bullshit anyway, I may as well fight as hard and as long as I can to change it!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
My tattoo/Transfeminism
Yesterday started like any other Wednesday. I slept until noon after, working until 2am the night before and not having to go to class until 2:15 in the afternoon. Woke up, went on the internet for awhile, got dressed, went and got food, went to class. I also checked my my phone for any messages. My friend hand sent me a text about going to Janesville to look into me getting a tattoo either that day or with in the next few.
I texted her back asking what time she was going to go with she went today. She said that she had class until 2 and then she was free and asked what time works for me. I said I have class from 2:15 to 3:30 and then I was free. Long story short, after my class we went. We found out that the tattoo would only be a 70 dollars! After running to the bank to deposit my tax return check, we went back and I got the tattoo!
I loves it! I call it the transfeminist symbol! Another one of my friends made the design for me and I LOVE her for it! I always resisted the urge to get a tattoo because I didn't want something that permanent on my body. I was afraid of looking at it in 20 years and regretting getting it, but this tattoo I KNOW I will look at in 20 years and go "Still true!" No regrets. Transfeminism is AMAZING and I hope more people join in the fight!
I have mentioned about transfeminism before on this blog, but I didn't do it much so I will talk about it more here. Transfeminism is about changing the ideas of feminism to add transwomyn because we are all fighting for the same rights. Transfeminists include transwomyn, transmen, and anyone else who wants to fight for the rights of transwomyn and supports us. Transfeminism is NOT about taking over existing feminist ways, but about expanding them so they include more people that are fighting for the same thing.
Transfeminism holds that everyone has a right to express themselves, in terms of gender and every other way, how ever they want. Often times transwomyn are forced to internalize the stereotypes of womyn in our society, which is offensive to ALL womyn because it denies our individuality. Transfeminism says that NO ONE should be forced to be who they aren't in order to prove they are "real" men or "real" womyn. We, transfeminist, want all womyn, cisgender or trans, to challenge there thinking about what it means to be a womyn. Purity tests about whether someone is a "real" womyn or man, are offensive and needs to stop. That is the bases of what being a transfeminist is all about. If you would like to read more click this link:
Officially speaking there is NO symbol for transfeminism, however seeing as the feminist symbol is simply the female sign with a fist in it, it would make sense that the transfeminist symbol would be the trans symbol with a fist symbol. I'm putting out there publicly now and hope that the symbol takes root in the transfeminist community! I loves it! It symbolizes who I am and what I stand for! I would like to thank both the friend who made it for me and the friend who took me to get a the tattoo. You GALS ROCK, thanks so much!
Byes!
I texted her back asking what time she was going to go with she went today. She said that she had class until 2 and then she was free and asked what time works for me. I said I have class from 2:15 to 3:30 and then I was free. Long story short, after my class we went. We found out that the tattoo would only be a 70 dollars! After running to the bank to deposit my tax return check, we went back and I got the tattoo!
I loves it! I call it the transfeminist symbol! Another one of my friends made the design for me and I LOVE her for it! I always resisted the urge to get a tattoo because I didn't want something that permanent on my body. I was afraid of looking at it in 20 years and regretting getting it, but this tattoo I KNOW I will look at in 20 years and go "Still true!" No regrets. Transfeminism is AMAZING and I hope more people join in the fight!
I have mentioned about transfeminism before on this blog, but I didn't do it much so I will talk about it more here. Transfeminism is about changing the ideas of feminism to add transwomyn because we are all fighting for the same rights. Transfeminists include transwomyn, transmen, and anyone else who wants to fight for the rights of transwomyn and supports us. Transfeminism is NOT about taking over existing feminist ways, but about expanding them so they include more people that are fighting for the same thing.
Transfeminism holds that everyone has a right to express themselves, in terms of gender and every other way, how ever they want. Often times transwomyn are forced to internalize the stereotypes of womyn in our society, which is offensive to ALL womyn because it denies our individuality. Transfeminism says that NO ONE should be forced to be who they aren't in order to prove they are "real" men or "real" womyn. We, transfeminist, want all womyn, cisgender or trans, to challenge there thinking about what it means to be a womyn. Purity tests about whether someone is a "real" womyn or man, are offensive and needs to stop. That is the bases of what being a transfeminist is all about. If you would like to read more click this link:
Officially speaking there is NO symbol for transfeminism, however seeing as the feminist symbol is simply the female sign with a fist in it, it would make sense that the transfeminist symbol would be the trans symbol with a fist symbol. I'm putting out there publicly now and hope that the symbol takes root in the transfeminist community! I loves it! It symbolizes who I am and what I stand for! I would like to thank both the friend who made it for me and the friend who took me to get a the tattoo. You GALS ROCK, thanks so much!
Byes!
Monday, April 19, 2010
I am transgressing not transitioning!
There was a Womyn's Studies/LGBTQAI Studies conference at my college this weekend. I didn't get to go the first day, Friday, because I had to work, but I did go Saturday because I was giving a presentation on Transgender Awareness with some friends of mine, along with another guy giving a similar presentation. My group basically covered Trans 101 and the other guy was more advanced. Both presentations went well and played nicely off each other.
The one I was apart of was a lot of me talking about my experience. We had a power point and I pretty much talked about all the slides. I feel very mixed about it because it seemed like it was "The Mad Womyn" show and my friends just sorta stood there. However, a lot the things we talked about I know about from personal experiences, so it would make sense that I would talk a lot. I came out as trans and I swear I saw a woman in the room whose jaw dropped ^_^ it was amusing and I loved it! We had a lot of people ask good questions and really got the discussion going so it was good. I enjoyed it a lot. I just felt bad that I was the only one really talking.
We talked about Gender Identity, ones inner most sense of being male, female, or however they see themselves in gender terms. We talked about cisgender, which I have mentioned on this blog, which means that you are born the same sex as your gender. We talked about the transgender umbrella which covers A LOT of gender fluidity. The terms that fall under transgender are: Gender Queer, Transsexual(Male to Female or Female to Male), Drag Queen, Drag King, Cross-Dresser, Transvestite, etc. We had people who know a lot and people who need very little, so it was fun.
Lastly, we talked about therapy and the idea that people who want to transition from either Male to Female or Female to Male or anywhere in between need to go to therapy to start that process. Basically, people go to get told what they already know and to PROVE it. I'm not saying that therapy isn't a good thing, I'm currently going to a counselor, but at the same time I don't think everyone needs it. There is something called the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care that is a "guide" to how therapists treat people with GID or Gender Identity Disorder which on paper is a good idea, in practice not so much. The thing about GID is that everyone goes through it differently, like everything else. So, a guide to it isn't really helpful. Granted, transitioning is a big decision not to be taken lightly, but it is a very personal thing that people shouldn't have to "prove" to anyone. People know who they are.
This therapy leads the person to be diagnosed with GID which is in the DSM-IV as a mental disorder. That goes on the persons record, which could prevent them from certain jobs. There is a lot of debate about whether it should or shouldn't be in the DSM within the trans community. Some argue that GID being in the DSM-IV, and soon to be in the DSM-V, leaves the door open for insurance companies to pay for hormones and maybe one day in surgery. I and others argue that A: we aren't crazy and B: Insurance companies don't pay for the hormones and they sure as hell don't pay for the surgery today, and they probably never will so whats the point of having to be diagnosed with a mental illness? Doesn't do anything but hurt us. Just like gay and lesbian people aren't crazy because they are gay and lesbian people who want to change genders AREN'T crazy because they want to change gender.
The guy then took over and talked about how people in the medical community are the "gatekeepers" to a lot trans people. With regards to the therapy especially. He also talked about what does it feel like to be a man or a woman? I answered that for me growing up the things that womyn did made a lot more sense than men, but even they did things that I was like: "You're nuts! There has to be a third option!". He also talked about how some people transition from gender to the other and then other transgress gender and just play around with it. I feel like that is me.
At my core I know I am a womyn, but at the same time I feel like there is part of me that isn't and has never been. I would say 90% female and 10% male. I think most people, if they are honest with themselves, are like this too. Within the transgender, at least for transwomyn, community there is this constant pressure to fit in the female gender box. Passing is the number one goal. To be a "real" womyn is the key. I have been guilty of worrying to much about passing, but I am doing my best to not worry about that. I don't think I am so much transitioning from the male gender box to the female gender box, as I am transgressing the ideas of gender.
Putting the "masculine" with the "feminine" and then finding a third option when I don't feel either one fits me.
The one I was apart of was a lot of me talking about my experience. We had a power point and I pretty much talked about all the slides. I feel very mixed about it because it seemed like it was "The Mad Womyn" show and my friends just sorta stood there. However, a lot the things we talked about I know about from personal experiences, so it would make sense that I would talk a lot. I came out as trans and I swear I saw a woman in the room whose jaw dropped ^_^ it was amusing and I loved it! We had a lot of people ask good questions and really got the discussion going so it was good. I enjoyed it a lot. I just felt bad that I was the only one really talking.
We talked about Gender Identity, ones inner most sense of being male, female, or however they see themselves in gender terms. We talked about cisgender, which I have mentioned on this blog, which means that you are born the same sex as your gender. We talked about the transgender umbrella which covers A LOT of gender fluidity. The terms that fall under transgender are: Gender Queer, Transsexual(Male to Female or Female to Male), Drag Queen, Drag King, Cross-Dresser, Transvestite, etc. We had people who know a lot and people who need very little, so it was fun.
Lastly, we talked about therapy and the idea that people who want to transition from either Male to Female or Female to Male or anywhere in between need to go to therapy to start that process. Basically, people go to get told what they already know and to PROVE it. I'm not saying that therapy isn't a good thing, I'm currently going to a counselor, but at the same time I don't think everyone needs it. There is something called the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care that is a "guide" to how therapists treat people with GID or Gender Identity Disorder which on paper is a good idea, in practice not so much. The thing about GID is that everyone goes through it differently, like everything else. So, a guide to it isn't really helpful. Granted, transitioning is a big decision not to be taken lightly, but it is a very personal thing that people shouldn't have to "prove" to anyone. People know who they are.
This therapy leads the person to be diagnosed with GID which is in the DSM-IV as a mental disorder. That goes on the persons record, which could prevent them from certain jobs. There is a lot of debate about whether it should or shouldn't be in the DSM within the trans community. Some argue that GID being in the DSM-IV, and soon to be in the DSM-V, leaves the door open for insurance companies to pay for hormones and maybe one day in surgery. I and others argue that A: we aren't crazy and B: Insurance companies don't pay for the hormones and they sure as hell don't pay for the surgery today, and they probably never will so whats the point of having to be diagnosed with a mental illness? Doesn't do anything but hurt us. Just like gay and lesbian people aren't crazy because they are gay and lesbian people who want to change genders AREN'T crazy because they want to change gender.
The guy then took over and talked about how people in the medical community are the "gatekeepers" to a lot trans people. With regards to the therapy especially. He also talked about what does it feel like to be a man or a woman? I answered that for me growing up the things that womyn did made a lot more sense than men, but even they did things that I was like: "You're nuts! There has to be a third option!". He also talked about how some people transition from gender to the other and then other transgress gender and just play around with it. I feel like that is me.
At my core I know I am a womyn, but at the same time I feel like there is part of me that isn't and has never been. I would say 90% female and 10% male. I think most people, if they are honest with themselves, are like this too. Within the transgender, at least for transwomyn, community there is this constant pressure to fit in the female gender box. Passing is the number one goal. To be a "real" womyn is the key. I have been guilty of worrying to much about passing, but I am doing my best to not worry about that. I don't think I am so much transitioning from the male gender box to the female gender box, as I am transgressing the ideas of gender.
Putting the "masculine" with the "feminine" and then finding a third option when I don't feel either one fits me.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Mrs Longfield
04/16/2010
I was born on January 3rd, 1989. I had no idea that I would one day end up going to Sauk Trail Elementary school and meet a wonderful woman named Mrs. Longfield. She was the one who really got me get back on track as far as school goes. Helped teach me the value of an education and really got me to love school. I was one of her favorite students. She loved me ^_^ in fact, she told my dad that she wanted to clone me and keep a lot of me (pretty sure the world would explode if there was MORE than one of ME, but whatever) in her classroom always! My dad, without missing a beat, told her that she could but he "gets the real one!" Teachers like her rock and there needs to be more of them.
I wish there was more teachers like her in school. I think kids would be a lot less troubled if there were. She was a teacher you could go to talk and discuss things and she would do her best to help. She knew what she was talking about and how to teach children the value of school. She didn't reach all the kids the way she did me, what great teacher does after all, but I'm willing to bet that she has helped more than just me. She started the deep respect I have for teachers and helped me see them as people.
From then on, most, teachers have gotten along with me and I them. Growing up, I was, for lack of a better term, a "teachers pet" in that I got my work done ON TIME (what a concept!) and was always willing to help, this includes other teachers at Sauk Trail. Mrs. Longfield started that tread. This lead to some great teachers in my high school TELLING me to shut up, I wasn't offended because we had that kind of relationship, because I was answering to many questions and not letting the other kids speak. Still a problem today lol.
I can't really remember my schooling before I went to Sauk Trail. I remember being a troubled kid back then and a bit of a brat, imagine that right? But I don't remember much else. I was sent to Mrs. Longfield's classroom because it was discovered that I had a learning disability in 2nd grade and she taught kids who had those issues. So, it was pretty much a twist of fate that lead me to meet her. Oh, what a happy twist of fate indeed! I technically STILL have a learning disability, but I have more control over who knows that. I get to decided whether or not I use the help that comes with it. Haven't used it once in college and don't plan too.
I remember her very fondly. I have always sorta suspected that she is a lesbian. I have NO proof of such, but the vibe she gave off, even though I didn't understand then, was that of a lesbian to me for some reason. She IS amazing, she still teaches there. In her class I would very often get lost in what she was teaching or saying and would be able to escape the internal struggle of which gender I was. She pretty much helped me realize that school was worth while and a good place to be. I have carried that with me throughout high school and now into college. She changed my life. I miss her. She is a part of my past that I actually feel good about. She and I got very close, but not close enough I guess for me to tell my secret.
I feel guilty about these memories too, because I feel like I lied to her. I never talked about my gender issues with her. Always pretended to be a masculine little boy and never really let my guard down. Yes, I did that because I was terrified what her reaction would be, but does that justify the lie? I could have said something, I could have asserted my strong feeling of being female from a very early age, but I didn't because I was scared. Does that justify it and make it right? I'm not so sure it does. I don't know though.
I actually emailed her one day during my second year of college, asking if she and I could get together and talk so I could try and get through some of these issues and got no response. That made me sad. It Felt like almost a rejection or maybe she just doesn't remember me or it went to spam, I don't know. Either way it didn't happen and I was sad. I haven't tried again, maybe I should. I honestly believe it would help me reconcile my past with my present and future something I need to do. Maybe she'll see this and get into contact with me lol. Probably not, but it is a transwomyn's right to dream ^_^ or at least it should be.
I'll end with this thought about what I think is at the heart of all this and that is fear. Letting fear control you is never a good thing. If we all could just let go of the fear about things the world would be a better place. People fear what they don't understand and that fear can lead to hate. Why can't we all just learn that people are people no matter what and that it really doesn't matter? Humans try to make order in a world that, often, makes no sense and if we just accept the fact that it doesn't make sense and love it for what it is, we would all be A LOT happier! Its not ignorance, it is just accepting the fact that there is a limit to human understanding that will never go away.
I was born on January 3rd, 1989. I had no idea that I would one day end up going to Sauk Trail Elementary school and meet a wonderful woman named Mrs. Longfield. She was the one who really got me get back on track as far as school goes. Helped teach me the value of an education and really got me to love school. I was one of her favorite students. She loved me ^_^ in fact, she told my dad that she wanted to clone me and keep a lot of me (pretty sure the world would explode if there was MORE than one of ME, but whatever) in her classroom always! My dad, without missing a beat, told her that she could but he "gets the real one!" Teachers like her rock and there needs to be more of them.
I wish there was more teachers like her in school. I think kids would be a lot less troubled if there were. She was a teacher you could go to talk and discuss things and she would do her best to help. She knew what she was talking about and how to teach children the value of school. She didn't reach all the kids the way she did me, what great teacher does after all, but I'm willing to bet that she has helped more than just me. She started the deep respect I have for teachers and helped me see them as people.
From then on, most, teachers have gotten along with me and I them. Growing up, I was, for lack of a better term, a "teachers pet" in that I got my work done ON TIME (what a concept!) and was always willing to help, this includes other teachers at Sauk Trail. Mrs. Longfield started that tread. This lead to some great teachers in my high school TELLING me to shut up, I wasn't offended because we had that kind of relationship, because I was answering to many questions and not letting the other kids speak. Still a problem today lol.
I can't really remember my schooling before I went to Sauk Trail. I remember being a troubled kid back then and a bit of a brat, imagine that right? But I don't remember much else. I was sent to Mrs. Longfield's classroom because it was discovered that I had a learning disability in 2nd grade and she taught kids who had those issues. So, it was pretty much a twist of fate that lead me to meet her. Oh, what a happy twist of fate indeed! I technically STILL have a learning disability, but I have more control over who knows that. I get to decided whether or not I use the help that comes with it. Haven't used it once in college and don't plan too.
I remember her very fondly. I have always sorta suspected that she is a lesbian. I have NO proof of such, but the vibe she gave off, even though I didn't understand then, was that of a lesbian to me for some reason. She IS amazing, she still teaches there. In her class I would very often get lost in what she was teaching or saying and would be able to escape the internal struggle of which gender I was. She pretty much helped me realize that school was worth while and a good place to be. I have carried that with me throughout high school and now into college. She changed my life. I miss her. She is a part of my past that I actually feel good about. She and I got very close, but not close enough I guess for me to tell my secret.
I feel guilty about these memories too, because I feel like I lied to her. I never talked about my gender issues with her. Always pretended to be a masculine little boy and never really let my guard down. Yes, I did that because I was terrified what her reaction would be, but does that justify the lie? I could have said something, I could have asserted my strong feeling of being female from a very early age, but I didn't because I was scared. Does that justify it and make it right? I'm not so sure it does. I don't know though.
I actually emailed her one day during my second year of college, asking if she and I could get together and talk so I could try and get through some of these issues and got no response. That made me sad. It Felt like almost a rejection or maybe she just doesn't remember me or it went to spam, I don't know. Either way it didn't happen and I was sad. I haven't tried again, maybe I should. I honestly believe it would help me reconcile my past with my present and future something I need to do. Maybe she'll see this and get into contact with me lol. Probably not, but it is a transwomyn's right to dream ^_^ or at least it should be.
I'll end with this thought about what I think is at the heart of all this and that is fear. Letting fear control you is never a good thing. If we all could just let go of the fear about things the world would be a better place. People fear what they don't understand and that fear can lead to hate. Why can't we all just learn that people are people no matter what and that it really doesn't matter? Humans try to make order in a world that, often, makes no sense and if we just accept the fact that it doesn't make sense and love it for what it is, we would all be A LOT happier! Its not ignorance, it is just accepting the fact that there is a limit to human understanding that will never go away.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
The LGBT community or just the LG community?
Grr owl people! I'm going to get political with you on this post.
Recent events have inspired me to write about how very often the T, transgender, gets ignored in the what is supposedly the "LGBT" community. Very often the Ls and the Gs feel that the Ts need to do it for themselves and fight for our own rights and that they don't really need and shouldn't have to help us. While it is true that the T community needs to step up our efforts to fight for our rights, the idea that the Ls and the Gs don't need to and don't feel they should help is greatly disturbing.
I have heard it said that lesbians and gays have accomplished a lot on their own. This is absolute BULLSHIT! Trans people have been fighting for their rights from the beginning. The Stone Wall Riots were STARTED by drag queens, Sylvia Rivera being on the big ones, a little known fact about those riots. We have been fighting for lesbian and gay rights from the get go and a lot of us still do, but the minute we say "Hey, what about our rights and our needs?" all of sudden we are going to far and we need to do it for ourselves?!? WTF! Also, some lesbians and gays seem to forget that they would have gone NOWHERE without allies! Straight allies have the power to really sway society and the Ls and the Gs needed them to get where they are.
Lesbians and Gays have more power in our society than Trans people do simply because they are Cisgender. They have the privilege of being born male or female and having the gender identity of the same. They don't have to worry about the issue of what bathroom to use, they don't have to deal with internal struggle of gender one of the most basic things about life, they don't have to deal with any of the issues because they have that privilege. Like straights and whites have privileges, cisgender people have privilege that trans people don't have. Just like allies having the power to push things through legally for lesbians and gays, cisgender people can do the same for trans. Trans people can't do it on our own. In fact transgender people are often seen as a joke or as deviants and stupid in BOTH communities.
I love the show on LOGO called The Big Gay Sketch Show, but often times trans people are made to look like clowns on that show. They have sketches like "Are You Smarter than a Tranny Hooker" which is really insulting. The world already has that idea about transwomen as hookers. I read an article in the latest issue of MS magazine that talks about how if you are a transwoman you are automatically seen by the cops as a possible hooker, we don't need "our" own community showing that insane stereotype too! To the Big Gay Sketch Shows credit, they do have Fitz William which had me literally on the floor laughing, but the point still stands that "our" own community is seeing us as a joke. In the supposed "LGBT" community the T is like that relative that you are polite to, nice to, and sometimes hang with, but don't really like and feel embarrassed to be around and thus don't fight for. The T is more honorary than anything else in the community, often times.
When a trans person is found murdered, they are very often seen as a gay man or a lesbian. I am a big fan of show Notorious on the Biography channel that is about well known crimes and they have done a few on trans people like the story of Brendon Teena, who they called a lesbian and SOME lesbians try to claim HIM as one of them, and there was one about an American soldier that was killed because he was dating a transwoman and he was called a gay man in that one. This transwoman had gone through all the legal channels and was recognized as a woman by the law, so therefore HE was straight!The made a movie called Soldiers Girl about the crime. This stuff happens all the time!
Trans people aren't taken seriously. We are either seen as hookers and deviants or we are seen as gay men or lesbians. How the fuck are we suppose to fight for our rights when we aren't taken seriously?!? Our needs go ignored because we aren't seen as important. Cisgender LG people need to realize that they have privilege and that with that privilege comes power. Like or not cisgender LG people, YOU are a part of the majority and the privileged part of society just because you are cisgendered.
For a cisgender person to say that we need more gender neutral bathrooms on our college campus is 10times more powerful then a trans person saying. If a trans person says that, cisgender people can say things like "Oh its not my issue and the majority don't think its important so why should I care?" However, if a cisgender person says we need more gender neutral bathrooms on our college campuses, all of a sudden other cisgender people really start to listen. The more the people that say it, the more people start to see that the issue as important.
I tried to get a gender neutral bathroom in my high school and for awhile people seemed to agree with me and I think the did in theory. Up until this point, if I wanted to use a bathroom at the school, that wasn't a men's room, I had to use the one in the nurses office! Pretty much singling me out as different. So, I tried to work with the school to get a gender neutral bathroom and my GSA appeared to be all on board with this and then we hit a roadblock and eventually it lead to people NOT supporting it. For a little while we got a gender neutral bathrooms, but then the parents in the community got all up in arms about the idea of the bathroom, especially since it could be locked. Their fears were that students would have sex in that bathroom. First off, I promise you that already happens in male and female bathrooms across america! People stopped fighting for this with me and eventually I was the only one left. In the end one of my favorite teachers told me to stop fighting for it, and that people have tried to fight for the bathroom issue and it hasn't worked. Basically, that I should give up ever hoping to do it!
The point of that story is that things only started moving when I had cisgender people on board. Once they feel away and it was just me that was fighting for it, everything fell apart. Trans people can't do it alone! No minority can! If it wasn't for white people fighting for African American rights slavery could still be the law of the land. If it wasn't for men fighting for women's rights, WOMEN still might not have the right to vote or have the rights that we have today. If it wasn't for straight allies and TRANS people, lesbians and gays wouldn't have come as far as they have! We all need each other and we all need to work together to fight for the rights of everyone!
This concludes my first political blog!
Bye!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
"You think you know what's to come, what you are. You haven't even begun." -Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Tara to Buffy, "Restless"
Anyone who knows me is well aware of my love of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I love Joss Whedon in general, but Buffy is my absolute favorite show of his and my favorite show of all time! Very often I find quotes from the show that speak to me and my life and the one above is a big one. That quote is very much what stops from me seriously thinking about killing myself. I know it sounds weird to say, but its true. In context of the show, the quote comes from last episode of season 4 called Restless, the dream episode, and it serves as a reminder that to Buffy that she hasn't begun to explore herself. The quote makes me think about the future and see the light at the end of the tunnel.
The quote reminds that I haven't even lived half my life as a female. I haven't even begun to explore my womanhood because I was forced to keep it hidden the majority of my life. The real me is still relatively new to this world. She has only really been out there the last 4 years. The person I am today was buried FAR underneath the person I was for the majority of my life. I have come a long way from the lie, but I still have a long way to go. The quote serves as a reminder of that.
Part of the reason I love the Buffy the Vampire Slayer so much is because I can relate to the characters particularly Buffy, Willow, Spike and Anya. I see myself in them in various degrees. I add my own subtext, as Whedon encourages his views to do. Spike is the character I relate to the most.
The story of Spike is of this love sick poet named William, known as William the bloody because of his bloody awful poetry and later because he shoved rail road spikes through his victims skulls, who is told by the woman he loves that he is "beneath" her, runs off into the streets of London and, literally, runs into the vampire Drusilla who turns him into a vampire. He starts to change into more of a bad ass vampire: he changes his name from William to Spike, joins up with Angelus (one most evil vamps in the buffyverse), kills two vampire slayers taking one of their leather coats, and generally ravages the countryside of Europe. However, that love sick poet never really leaves.
Spike first shows up in season 2 of Buffy. He is there to try to find his girlfriend, Drusilla, a cure for her sickness that only affects vampires, doesn't kill them just makes them weak and frail. From first moment the viewer sees the deep love that he has for Drusilla. He goes to great lengths to make sure she is safe, even letting Buffy out of a death trap, when has a stake to Dru's heart. As the series goes on, the viewer learns more and more about Spike, who eventually falls in love with Buffy and gets his soul back for her.
Despite the fact that Spike is a vampire, he still manages to do GOOD things. At the end of season 2, he helps Buffy stop Angelus from destroying the world and then leaves with Dru. He helps, albeit grudgingly, the Scooby gang a lot. Eventually he has a chip in his head that makes it impossible for him to attack humans, but even before then he wasn't the typical vampire. Joyce Summers, Buffy's mom, has instant connection with him. There are scenes where she and him are talking and really bonding over coffee or tea. A lot of these scenes are pre-chip and all are pre-soul.
Spike very much walks on the line between human and vampire. In season 6 Buffy tells him "Poor Spikey. Can't be a human, can't be a vampire. Where the hell do you fit in?" On the one hand he is suppose to be evil and bad and the other hand, he does good things and does actually care about Buffy. I feel like I walk the line between so many different worlds.
I walk the line between being male and female. If one goes by society considers to be a woman (ie someone with XX chromosomes, a vagina, uterus, etc) I will never be a full fledged woman. I will never have XX chromosomes or a uterus, unless medical science figures out a way to give me one. I wont go through the traditional rights of passage that most girls go through like the start of the period or even the first bra shopping experience, I have one, but it is NO WAY traditional. At the same time though, I am not a male. The only thing that is "male" about me is the fact that I have a cock. The hormones have displaced a lot of my body fat, so I look more feminine. You look at a male picture of me and you would never know it use to be me. I'm not either, so like Buffy asked spike where the hell do I fit in?!? I'm honestly not sure. I want to be me. I want to be the person that I was meant too, they are more female than male, but there are still parts of me that are "male". Like I said before I didn't do this to go from one gender box to the other.
Being a dyke is another point of contention. Can I really be a dyke if I am not a ciswoman? Some would say no, I say yes because of my strong female identity. At the same time can I really be a straight woman? I am not a ciswoman so if I dated men would that really be considered straight? I believe that sexuality is fluid and that what is between your legs or your genes doesn't matter in the long run. You love who you love regardless. I walk that line everyday.
Underneath Spikes bad ass vampireness, for lack of a better phrasing, he is still that love sick poet. My past is very much like that. I was a macho, manly man growing up. The surface layer was that macho exterior of me acting like I was so tough and that is what the outside world saw. When really I cried myself to sleep at night often because I was so ashamed of living the lie and acting the way I did. I tried to deny that part of myself for years as Spike tries to fight his too. Spikes mask falls away at the end of season 6 when he went and got his soul back for Buffy, my mask falls away when I realized what it was I feeling. Spike is character that I continue to find new and interesting things about the more I watch the show, that is a mark of a good show and a good character if you ask me!
I realized that this post is very long and I that I don't have time to explain the other characters mentioned, I will end here. I will continue with this at a later date.
Bye!
Monday, April 12, 2010
The story thus far...
There once was a child that was seemingly like all the rest of the boys. They roughhoused, they yelled, they were good friends with the boys of the neighborhood and did other things that little boys were suppose to do. Nobody realized that this child was struggling internally, not even their closest friends. Nobody knew that in this child's head were two voices battling it out for control.These two voices tormented the child to no end and confused them greatly.
One of the voices was very deep, low, for lack of a better term the stereotypical male voice in what and how it said things to the child. The other was was higher, much less deep and for lack of a better term the stereotypical female voice in what and how it said things to the child. These two voices would fight about what the child really was. Were they a boy or a girl? The male voice said: "HES a boy, HE has a cock therefore HE is a boy!" The female voice said: "SHES a girl, SHE thinks like a girl therefore SHE is a girl!" Day in, day out these two voices would fight and cause great confusion for the poor child.
The child knew from the get go which voice was louder and made more sense to them and that was the female voice. Though the child did what, stereotypically speaking, little boys did, they always felt like they would rather be doing things the way the girls did or even find a new way all together. Either way, the child knew that the male voice was wrong and that the female voice was much more correct on most issues. Evey now and then, the male voice would get control and be louder and more clear than the female, but this was EXTREMELY rare. The child even said out loud one time, that the female voice would end up the victor in the end.
Years past as the two voices continue to argue and fight over this poor child. Sometimes the voices lead the child to do things that they would never do otherwise and that are rather painful to admit. Things like hurting their crotch area with a high heeled shoe, going into their mothers closet and wearing her clothes, even stealing some of their mothers clothes. Most of the time the female voice was in control and compelled the child to do these things. The end would be the same every time, as the child would up feeling guilty about what they did and get rid of the clothes.
The child's school work didn't suffer for the child because of this, quite the opposite actually. The child dove into school in order to get away from their thoughts. They tried to live life normally, but could never do it. The two voices just waited until the child wasn't working on anything for school and then pounced and made them think about the issue of whether they were a boy or a girl. For the child diving into school work helped until they reached their sophomore year of high school.
With the help of someone the child met during that year, the female voice won out and the boy voice died the day she won. The child now had an identity as a female and thought of HER self as such. The boy was dead and 16 days after her 17th b-day, this knew found girl on the inside, started the process of becoming that girl on the outside. BEST day of her life! For awhile the girl was happy. She started college as a girl and people generally accepted her for who she is despite what her crotch said.
She ran into road blocks after awhile, and decided that it would be best if she just didn't think about herself as a transwoman and just as a women. For awhile that worked well until one night a friend told her a story about how the friends mother knew that she was trans and the child got really upset. She hadn't cried that hard in a long time. She was so ashamed that someone would be able to read her past, she just wanted to forget it and get on with her life. Pretend it didn't exist and hope it will go away.
Gradually with the help of her awesome friends, she has come to realize that she can't do this. In order to be happy and healthy she needs to accept the fact that she is trans and realize that doesn't make her any less of a woman. Her womanhood is as valid as any cisgender woman's is and she isn't less. This means learning to say fuck the world and what they think of her. Just live life as who she is because those who don't mind matter and those that mind DON'T matter.
Lastly she has realized that the male voice, though dead, is still there. HE still lingers haunting her with the help of the cock that is attached to her. She needs to reconcile her past with her present and future and figure out they make up her. She needs to figure out a way the to get rid of the disconnect between her mind and her body. That is the journey that this child is currently on.
Random Thoughts!
Hi all! This is just some random thoughts that I have been writing for a few days now. Some of it some people already know and the rest will be knew to everyone! This has been what I have been typing the last few days. This blog will have some very harsh language, I don't pull punches. I use this as away to get shit out and work it out too. ENJOY!
04/11/2010
People say the past is the past and that you should let go. Well I’m here to tell you, its not thaeasy. Letting certain things go is not the same as letting go some stupid argument you had with your best friend over whatever stupid issue. No, letting certain things go is a lot more complicated than that. My past is full of things that I would rather forget as opposed to let go.
Things that other people would hear and go “WTF? Why would you want to forget that?” or they would give me a funny look and walk off I want to forget. I want to forget that my name use to be Jared Arthur Marty and that I was born with a cock. I want to forget the first time that ugly, hideous thing ever got hard. I want to forget that I have never and will never have a period. I want to forget that I was ever male, erase every sign of that existence and get rid of it and start over
People say: “But Mad Womyn, you were never a boy! You were always Mad Womyn!” Its not that simple. True, that other life was an act that was forced upon me, but there where things about it that I deeply enjoyed. The late nights with my two best male friends playing games, watching wrestling and generally goofing off are memories I treasure. I feel deep shame in looking on these memories fondly. I know I shouldn’t. I know should be able to just take the fun times and move on, but I can’t. Those memories feel strange and foreign to me, as if they happened to someone else. That world, that person feels like a total other, it doesn’t even feel like my body.
I can’t think of him as myself. He is NOT me and yet he was. Like it or not I lived that life. I wish I could forget. I wish that none of it had ever happened. Why couldn’t have I just started out life as a girl like I am today? It wasn’t all bad living that male lie. I guess that is what I can’t accept. I can’t accept that any part of it was enjoyable. Why not? My friends don’t care. My dad has accepted me ever since I came out. Why can’t I accept it? Why do I hate myself so much?? I did this to feel better and it has helped, but something is still missing
I acknowledge that I am bit crazy. Acknowledge that I am a bit sick. I have never denied these facts. I’m just trying to figure out where all the pieces that are apart of me go and how they fit to make up me. I have been through all kinds of changes, as everyone does, in my short 21 years on this Earth and I am just trying to figure it all out. How do I reconcile my past with my present? How do I stop hating the fact that I have a cock? How do I stop feeling like there is a disconnect between mind and body? Questions, questions that’s all I have. I know one thing, those issues are a lot harder than to just simply let go. I don’t understand, I really don’t.
I just want to be me. Want to be happy going in the world and knowing that I can survive. Knowing that when I step out into the big bad world I am showing who I am at my core. Not excusing myself for being who I am for anyone. Yelling loudly and proudly “This is who I am, you don’t like it FUCK YOU!” with no exceptions. Having the confidence to stand tall no matter what. I don’t have any of these. Yet to some I put on the appearance that I am well put together.
If they only knew how hard I struggle everyday to not stay in my room and hide. If they only knew how much of the time I feel numb to the world and just want to breakdown. If they only knew how many nights I hope I fall asleep and NOT wake up the next morning. If they only knew how much I hope the world would turn to shit, just so things would be simpler. If they only knew how much my own thoughts scared me and how much I hate myself. If they knew all that maybe they would understand why I do the things I do or say the things I say.
I have internalized everything that society says about trans people. I realize that now. Everything I feel about being trans, comes from the fact that I know how society sees people like me. I know they see us as hookers, shemales, porn stars, and anything else that is considered “other.” We are NOT considered women. Most of the time we aren’t even considered half women at least as far as the media goes. When a trans person is killed, most of the time, they are called either gay men or lesbians regardless how they lived. Brendan Teena is very often called a lesbian by those in the LG communities despite the fact that HE lived his life as a man and identified as man.
Since trans people are hated and/or disrespected in the mainstream community and the “LGBT” community, it is very easy for someone to internalize the shit they are told. I have internalized most of that stuff. I look in the mirror and see less than a woman. I call myself a transwoman and the word tastes dirty and wrong as if I am dirty and wrong. The world is screaming at me to get into that woman gender box despite the fact that I have no interest in going into that box.
04/12/2010
I did not transition to go from one box to the other. Even in the trans community there is pressure to conform to the ideal or social standards what being a man or a woman is. Look on the message boards and you will see a sea of posts about how the goal of transitioning is to pass rather than be happy with who you are. Safety is the number one reason why. Obviously people want to feel safe, but at what point does safety concerns no longer apply? Where is the line drawn between the need to be safe and the need to just be the real you? Perhaps that line is different for everyone. I don’t know. I don’t have answers, just a lot of questions. Where does transitioning end? Does it end the day you get the surgery and become fully a legal woman? Does it end when someone fully integrates and goes “stealth” into the other gender? Or does it end when someone is finally comfortable with who they are?
I don’t have answers to these questions I do however have theories and beliefs about these issues. I am of the belief that transition ends whenever that person decides that they are done, the rest of the world be damned! I also believe that the idea of “transitioning” isn’t purely something that only people who are transsexual go through. Everyone goes through changes in their lives. Granted transsexuals have a more extreme road to go on, but still the feeling is universal. People go through different stages in their lives no matter what is going on. We all go through journeys that involve figuring who and what we are. Through all my sadness and hardships I have faced in my journey of self discovery, I have come to the conclusion that the meaning of life is be able to grow into who YOU really are, no matter what society says. As long as you aren’t hurting yourself or others then fuck society BE that person. That is easier said than done, I know that all to well. I am very much in the stage of letting society control who and what I am.
Conflict happens so much within myself. My past haunts me daily, it doesn't help that my cock serves as a consent reminder of that past, so I can’t really ignore it. I remember that scared little boy that thought the only way to prove his manhood was to be fairly sexiest and homophobic even though it tore him up inside to say and do those things. I remember him and I hate him. He used and abused my body and my mind for 16 years. He died the day I came out to myself. He’s gone now, but his ghost still lingers, haunting me. Looking at him in a positive light is difficult. I don’t know how to get to that point. Maybe I should start by looking at the positives of that time I lived as him.
I had a good childhood. Aside from my mother’s emotional abuse (abandoning me and my brother and not telling us and saying she was going to pick me up and then NOT showing up) and my brothers typical older sibling actions my childhood wasn’t bad. No physical or sexual abuse of any kind. My dad loves me and cares for me deeply and has never laid a hand on me. My house was always one where women were respected and thought as equals to men in every way. I was well feed, clothed, and had a good education. I had good friends who stood by me and cared for me and the ones that didn’t I found out about and cut out of my life quickly. I had a home where I could go and feel loved, that is more than I can say for most of my friends. Starting at around middle school, my dad and I really started to get to know each other as people.
We would talk long into the night about the most random of topics and very often jump into others when we ran out of things to say about the last one. We talked about everything from the simplest stuff like how each other’s day was to the more complex stuff about religion and how life works. We really got to know each other. I treasure those memories too. Those moments were the ones where I was most honest. I never talked about my gender issues and how I felt like I was a girl during those times, but I was still the real me more so then than at any other time when I was living that lie. I don’t have any shame towards those moments with my dad. In a lot of ways the person I have become IS that person from those nights only more so. The memories that I feel shame about treasuring are ones where I was having fun being a boy.
I used to roughhouse all the time with my male friends and would very often win these matches as we called them. When I was in middle school I was a member of weight lifting club, which was made up of mostly males, and had genuine fun with boys that today I would be annoyed with. I was apart of track and field in middle school as well and had a fun cracking jokes with my male friends on the team. There are other memories that are similar to those that I treasure and feel shame about. All of them are examples of me doing stereotypical boy things and that I actually enjoyed. I hate that I enjoyed them!
Finding any enjoyment in that life feels like the biggest hypocrisy ever. That life was a lie and not the real me, so finding any enjoyment in that life doesn’t make sense. The things I said and did at those times were all about showing my manhood, so why do I treasure them? Yes, they where fun, but it was an act and not who I am. I just wish they'd go away and stop haunting me!
Welcome to the crazy world that is my brain!
HIYA! I am your lovely host for this blog! I am a transsexual woman who also happens to be a dyke, get your minds around that one kiddies :). I'm a transfeminist and if you want to know more about what that is checkout the Transfeminist Manifesto @ http://eminism.org/readings/pdf-rdg/tfmanifesto.pdf. I loves it! The author Emi Koyama is a hero of mine! You want to learn more about her, go to http://eminism.org/ The Transfeminist Manifesto has helped me put together a couple of things that make up me, I hope you enjoy it! I'm a bit nuts and I'm also angry at the world as a general rule. Humanity as a whole tends to piss me off and confuses me. In fact, I very often feel like an alien on this planet. I have managed to find people who love and care about me that I call friends and family. Very often these people are like me, in that they feel alienated from this strange planet as well (perhaps these people are from the same planet as me?). The keyword of the this blog is DIARY!
The purpose of this blog is to help me work out the craziness that is my life and to sometimes express my opinions of what is going on in the world around me. This is a diary and will be used as such to help me work out my shit. Writing is a an outlet that tends to be very freeing for me and helps me look at things closer than I otherwise would. Don't expect this blog to be purely political sometimes it will be, OFTEN times it wont! You want to read about this mad womyn's life feel encouraged to read on and if you don't I understand. If you stay around I hope you enjoy and would like to formally welcome you to this my INSANE brain!
I shall post more SOOOON!
bye!
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