Bodies suck. I hate them so much. Lately I have had some issues with a certain part of my body, 3 guess (first two don't count) as to which part I am talking about. I have been more acutely aware of it for the last few days. Its like it is taunting me. Laughing at me because there is nothing I can do to get rid of it yet. I can't just remove it myself, because, ironically enough, I need it in order to have the surgery and I don't have the money in order to get the surgery. I don't know what is wrong with me lately. I haven't had a serious moment where I have panicked about it, but it has gotten worse.
Its hard living day in day out with something that you feel isn't yours and shouldn't be on you. Makes sexual things almost impossible, because at any moment you know you will probably have a freak out because of it. And no, it really doesn't matter if the person I am having sex with sees me as 100% woman. The freak out moments aren't their fault. There no ones fault really, just one of the many bullshit things that I, and my trans sisters and brothers, who go through transition, have to put up with. I wish it would just go away. I hate it so much.
It something that makes me want to vomit. When it gets hard I start to feel sick and invaded/violated. Lately its been hard to even use it for the one thing it is good for and that is peeing. It means I have to touch it and acknowledge its exists on me. Its the one thing on my body that makes me feel trapped and feel like this body doesn't belong to me. I haven't felt like a person for a very very long time. Lately it has been because of it and people really don't understand why.
People have told me all the time, all cis people, that I need to get over it. They say that they have stuff about their bodies that they hate and that they don't let it control lives. What they don't get is that those body issues don't define them in terms of gender. If you are not as skinny as you would like to be, you are still a womyn according to society. You are maybe a bigger womyn, but you are still a womyn. Whatever other thing about your body that you hate, as a cis person, doesn't change your gender in the eyes of society.
However, somebody sees that I have a dick, all of sudden my gender changes in their eyes. I am no longer a womyn if I passed to them before and the begin to notice all my "male" qualities, its as if all my female body traits, like having breasts for instance, go away and are ignored.. Also, I am not letting it control my life. If I was letting it control my life I wouldn't leave my apartment. I would huddled in the corner crying all day. I step out into the world and try to live as normally as possible without being to sad. Maybe it doesn't work, but I fucking try. I face the world, go to all my classes, and general function.
People have also told me that they can tell it bothers me. They say that it is like some invisible thing hanging over me and that I am always thinking about. Most of the time this is not true I am not always thinking about it. However, it does hang over me daily. It hangs over me as a constant reminder that I have to always be on my guard. That at any moment, even if I pass around people, my identity as a womyn can be challenged and even belittled if I am unlucky enough to meet someone who is an asshole. All it takes is for one person to "realize" that I have a dick and all of sudden people start looking at me funny and calling me sir.
People say call them out on it and assert yourself. Assert the fact that I am female. Its not as easy as it sounds, cause when people misgender me or challenge my identity as a womyn, its against a back drop of people doing that all my life and all these memories of people doing that come flooding back. All the memories of how I felt like I was the only one in the world growing up and felt that no one would understand me, come back and in that moment, I loose whatever chance I would have had to assert myself, cause no matter how many times it happens it hurts just the same as the first time some called me he instead of she. Also, in certain situations like going to the bathroom for example, I really don't want to educate people and, shocking I know, I SHOULDN'T have to educate every asshole I meet that does this shit to me.
I fucking hate being trans right now. *sigh*
Monday, November 22, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
The Question of Male Privilege and Transwomyn
I would like to start this blog by saying that I enjoy and support most of the things that Emi Koyama discusses and says in The Transfeminist Manifesto. I agree with her that it is extremely important for transwomyn to take a place in feminism and that all to often we are denied access. I agree with her that everyone has a right to be who they are and that we shouldn't have a “purity test” in order to actually be feminists. That being said, I do have an issue with how she talks about the idea of male privilege and how that works for transwomyn, the rest of this blog will be about that issue in the manifesto.
On page 247 into 248, she writes “They have been trained to be assertive and confident. and some trans women manage to maintain these "masculine" traits, often to their advantage, after transitioning" this passage seems to suggest that “some” transwomyn never fully shake off their “male socialization” and thus never shake off their male privilege. Now, I am not going to make the argument that transwomyn never have male privilege because of course we do. I lived my life 16 years “passing” as male and thus have experienced male privilege. That being said, this statement is problematic because it suggests that transwomyn we will always have some sort of male privilege and thus, in some small way, always be male. Also, it fails to take into account the fact that once we, tranwomyn, do transition and live our lives fully as womyn those “masculine” traits like aggressiveness, assertiveness and confidence are seen very differently in the eyes of society. Finally, that statement suggests that those traits are only for men and that women can't be assertive.
Transwomyn who are assertive and confident are often seen by society as being bitches just as cisgender womyn who are assertive and confident are seen as bitches. The fact that we were “socialized” to be that way is irrelevant because they are seen very differently in the eyes of society if we do it as male or if we don't it as female and its not just cis people enforcing these rules. Transwomyn every often attack other transwomyn if they are being assertive or confident because it isn't the way women are “suppose” to be. Also, that our socialization is key to whether or not we have male privilege is nonsense in my opinion.
Despite the fact that we, transwoym, are treated as male in society before we transition, most of us feel like we are female very early. Thus, we see all the things society says about how to be a women and how women are suppose to be, and internalize it just like ciswomyn. Also, we are very often forced into being that way as we start transitioning. We take a lot of the images that society uses about what it means to female and do them because we live in a society where we have to constantly prove that we are female. Further, a lot of transwomyn who aren't out or can't transition get eating disorders in order to make our bodies more feminine, just as cisgender girls do. The point is we absorb what our society and culture says about what is meant to be a girls and women just like cisgirls who are socialization female. Transwomyn are often caught in a “damn if you do or damn if you don't” situation with regards to how feminine we are.
On the one hand, if we follow what society says womyn look and act like, we are seen as “trying to hard” and thus are really men just trying to be womyn. On the other hand, if we don't follow what society and culture says about being womyn or dress/look or act more masculine we are seen as not trying hard enough and are thus men. This plays back into Koyama's implication that transwomyn will never fully get rid of male privilege, because it seems no matter what we do in our society to prove we are womyn or against the gender binary we are seen as male. For Koyama to imply that we will always have male privilege, only helps further this idea and make it seem like it is ok for feminists to question whether or not tranwomyn have male privilege.
The section on male privilege in Koyama is problematic because it implies that tranwomyn will never be free of male privilege and thus aren't really womyn. I will admit freely to having male privilege for the first 16 years of my life. However, since I have been living as a womyn for the last 4 years, I have given up any male privilege. I am treated very differently when I am assertive now than when I was living as a male. My socialization at this point is totally irrelevant because of the way attitudes change about me doing certain acts. My supposedly “masculine” trait of being assertive is no longer an asset to most people in society, but rather something that both men and women a like think I should stop because it isn't the way women are suppose to be.
On page 247 into 248, she writes “They have been trained to be assertive and confident. and some trans women manage to maintain these "masculine" traits, often to their advantage, after transitioning" this passage seems to suggest that “some” transwomyn never fully shake off their “male socialization” and thus never shake off their male privilege. Now, I am not going to make the argument that transwomyn never have male privilege because of course we do. I lived my life 16 years “passing” as male and thus have experienced male privilege. That being said, this statement is problematic because it suggests that transwomyn we will always have some sort of male privilege and thus, in some small way, always be male. Also, it fails to take into account the fact that once we, tranwomyn, do transition and live our lives fully as womyn those “masculine” traits like aggressiveness, assertiveness and confidence are seen very differently in the eyes of society. Finally, that statement suggests that those traits are only for men and that women can't be assertive.
Transwomyn who are assertive and confident are often seen by society as being bitches just as cisgender womyn who are assertive and confident are seen as bitches. The fact that we were “socialized” to be that way is irrelevant because they are seen very differently in the eyes of society if we do it as male or if we don't it as female and its not just cis people enforcing these rules. Transwomyn every often attack other transwomyn if they are being assertive or confident because it isn't the way women are “suppose” to be. Also, that our socialization is key to whether or not we have male privilege is nonsense in my opinion.
Despite the fact that we, transwoym, are treated as male in society before we transition, most of us feel like we are female very early. Thus, we see all the things society says about how to be a women and how women are suppose to be, and internalize it just like ciswomyn. Also, we are very often forced into being that way as we start transitioning. We take a lot of the images that society uses about what it means to female and do them because we live in a society where we have to constantly prove that we are female. Further, a lot of transwomyn who aren't out or can't transition get eating disorders in order to make our bodies more feminine, just as cisgender girls do. The point is we absorb what our society and culture says about what is meant to be a girls and women just like cisgirls who are socialization female. Transwomyn are often caught in a “damn if you do or damn if you don't” situation with regards to how feminine we are.
On the one hand, if we follow what society says womyn look and act like, we are seen as “trying to hard” and thus are really men just trying to be womyn. On the other hand, if we don't follow what society and culture says about being womyn or dress/look or act more masculine we are seen as not trying hard enough and are thus men. This plays back into Koyama's implication that transwomyn will never fully get rid of male privilege, because it seems no matter what we do in our society to prove we are womyn or against the gender binary we are seen as male. For Koyama to imply that we will always have male privilege, only helps further this idea and make it seem like it is ok for feminists to question whether or not tranwomyn have male privilege.
The section on male privilege in Koyama is problematic because it implies that tranwomyn will never be free of male privilege and thus aren't really womyn. I will admit freely to having male privilege for the first 16 years of my life. However, since I have been living as a womyn for the last 4 years, I have given up any male privilege. I am treated very differently when I am assertive now than when I was living as a male. My socialization at this point is totally irrelevant because of the way attitudes change about me doing certain acts. My supposedly “masculine” trait of being assertive is no longer an asset to most people in society, but rather something that both men and women a like think I should stop because it isn't the way women are suppose to be.
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